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So im 28f and my husband is 28m. We had our son 9m last year and I feel like ive been lied to. Throughout the verbal abuse, infidelity on his end and lack of trust, I know I have to divorce him. Honestly im terrified. We have been together since I was in highschool and ive never been alone like this before.
We used to be perfect together, but overtime our relationship grew strained. I adopted my teenage sister and watched as the man I loved, ignored her and threw tantrums when she got mad or upset at him. It disgusted me, but he would always try to make amends and apologize. I just thought that he was struggling with the adjustment. I started noticing from the on the broken promises, the anger, and childish behavior. He went to therapy and I saw improvement. He promised things were on the right track. Then I got pregnant. For years we talked about kids and how we would like to parent, I trusted him. I saw his progress and decided that I would go through with this pregnancy.
While I love my son, I think having my baby with my husband was the worst mistake of my life. When I cried from hormones, he snapped and yelled at me. He would straight up leave the apt and me sobbing alone. He brought my sister in to comfort me because he couldnt deal with me. Anytime we went to a obgyn visit, I had to remind him to not be on his phone because I needed his support. I wasnt able to cook or clean anymore since I was super nauseous and tired all the time. My pregnancy was high risk so I tried to rest as much as possible. Unfortunately that meant that the apt was filthy. The cats peed so much on the floor it seeped underneath the couch and smelled so bad I couldnt leave my room unless I was going to work. My sister and I ate fast food for the majority of my pregnancy and she ended up helping with housework since my husband kept forgetting due to his adhd.
At 6 months I found out he had a addiction to porn. I consider porn as a form of cheating and he knew. He had hundreds of thousands of porn downloaded and bookmarked. One file he saved 480,000 links to different porn websites. I had tried screenshot everything but he snatched my phone to delete everything off my phone and denied it was a addiction. He said he would stop. Cue the next 4 months of my pregnancy looking through his computer and having my heart broken every single time with his lies. My sister was fed up with him and told me as much. I couldnt say anything. I felt stuck. I have no family to rely on, no support system other than my brother in Japan and my underage sister. No money and I dont even have my driver's license. I just felt like I couldnt do anything and I had to suck it up and deal with it.
I gave birth, it was hard but I met my son who's my whole world. Now that hes here and my body has adjusted to my new normal im sitting here thinking about all of it. My brother who also moved with us recently brought it up tonight. And I agree with everything hes saying. I have to leave my husband. I have to leave for myself, for my son, for my sister. Im so scared. Im going to save as much money as I can till November so I can put a down payment on another place to move to. I know I need to get my license and I know I need to do it fast. Im scared of saying anything to anyone in case it gets back to him because tbh im scared of him and his family. Im not white like they are and I dont have the financial support like he does. Im terrified of losing the only comfort ive had, even if destroyed who I was.
I did try leaving once, but he took my phone and told me I wasnt leaving him. It scared me so much and I know when I do leave I cant tell him in person. I want to be a good mom for my son but I feel like a failure. I did this to him and I did this to my sister. I trusted him and now all it got me was me doing everything while he spends 3 hours a day playing on his phone while he "watches him". I just needed to scream this out. I would appreciate any kind words or even mean ones.