SI and losing my shit y'all
TW: Axcidental? Self harm (I usually think of self harm as cutting or something intentional, idk if this counts) and suicidal ideation
Ive been on a new vitamin regimen that has very much improved how long my PMDD lasts. It's gone from 7-9 days to maybe 2-4 max. Somehow though, I find that those 2-4 days are so intense for me that I almost prefer the prolonged period.
I went out to the beach yesterday, I usually dont find myself too unattractive but I saw how my face looked in the pictures and I wanted to cry. My boyfriend had already seen them to make matters worse and I felt very embarassed. I'm unfortunately very alone in my life, I know a lot of people but I don't confide in anyone. I avoid doing so with my boyfriend because he works a lot and I don't want to be a burden. I don't feel comfortable going to my mom or dad, and it's all becoming very heavy.
I woke up today and i could just tell the PMDD was settling in. I was brain fogged and I felt so unbearably hopeless. I was about to go to the gym and went to go put on skin care when I saw my face and I just lost it. I went to my room and cried and hit myself repeatedly and ripped hair out. My nail got hit with something and is burning alive. I don't consider that self harm, I'm neurodivergent and sometimes I struggle to regulate my emotions to the point of losing my shit like that.
I find myself wishing that my state had assisted suicide care. I'm exhausted from dealing with the same shit every month over and over again. I feel like each month my PMDD brain latches onto a new insecurity and this time it was my appearance which makes me feel the absolute worst. I'd never actually hurt myself, my beliefs have this idea that you're forced to reincarnate if you hurt yourself (This may sound silly, but it's what I got taught. No shade to any other beliefs.) And i NEVER want to be born again. I feel very passively suicidal though.
I find myself wishing that my state had assisted suicide care. I'm exhausted from dealing with the same shit every month over and over again. I feel like each month my PMDD brain latches onto a new insecurity and this time it was my appearance which makes me feel the absolute worst. I'd never actually hurt myself, my beliefs have this idea that you're forced to reincarnate if you hurt yourself (This may sound silly, but it's what I got taught. No shade to any other beliefs.) And i NEVER want to be born again. I feel very passively suicidal though.
I just needed to vent to be honest, but if anyone has some advice on managing this alone (I'm not interested in confiding in my boyfriend. He's a good and patient man, but I'm worried I'll scare him away if he knew how bad I got. He's never seen me get bad and I love him too much to do that to him.) Advice on how to feel more attractive or procedures to help work as well.
I can't wait for my period to arrive so I can feel normal again. This cycle feels deadly omfg