u/BabyBard93

My husband and adult kids took me out for dinner tonight to a favorite restaurant- we are gluten free, and everything in their kitchen is GF. I had a flight of wine tastings, we ordered rustic bread with oil and salt plus fried cheese curds (son-in-law’s fave) for appetizers. Then I had a delicious risotto with a grilled chicken breast on it. We all had dessert- they had an amazing orange apricot cake with ice cream that I ordered.

In the past I’ve noticed that I’m super aware of what’s on the table, how many bites I can take without looking greedy in shared plates. Someone will be chatting, but I only half-hear them and my eyes stray back to that last piece of bread, fixated.

After this evening, I realized that fixation is pretty much gone. I ate a bite or two of each appetizer, but DIDN’T THINK ABOUT IT AFTER THAT. I ate my yummy chicken breast and about 1/3 of the risotto, and put the rest in a to-go box. I ate about half the rich cake and a few bites of ice cream, and just…. didn’t want any more, so pushed it into the middle of the table to share. And didn’t really think about it.

Y’all, this is CRAZY for me. I love it.

So I’m on week 3, everything is going fine. Minimal side effects, down around 5 lbs, likely mostly water weight. I am loving the muted food noise. I didn’t realize how REAL that was, or how different it is not to be obsessed with my next chance to eat. I started back with walking and doing 2x week light weight and resistance training, which felt good.

Then, unrelated to any of this, I catch a nasty cold. I don’t get sick that often, but this one hit me like a truck. Called out sick Saturday, and again today (I’m off Sun-Mon). I’m 60, I don’t do well with powering through it like I used to, and anyway I don’t want to spread the germy love to my co-workers and customers.

So I’m sitting here on my bed feeling guilty for not keeping up my exercise. For not eating perfectly cleanly (daughter’s birthday yesterday, I had a piece of cake, eek!) And feeling defeated for “failing” my new regimen so soon. So dumb.

Do I know this is disordered thinking? Yes. Am I aware I should listen to my body and rest? Yes. Do I realize that a little extra indulgence isn’t going to kill me? Yes.

Does a lifetime of mental, emotional and physical conditioning just magically get better because you told it to? No.

I know it’s not failure. Just trying to convince my cerebral cortex of that fact.

Thanks for listening to a newbie vent. I’m so grateful for this community; you inspire me every day. ❤️