Hi guys, this is a long one, but I feel like it's needed to get all the layers of the situation to get the perspective.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and have always loved him with all my heart. A year ago we broke up briefly due to miscommunication, but got back together agreeing we need to do better on talking things through. This breakup absolutely broke me. It came out of nowhere and felt like my safe space, the ground beneath my feet was just swept away. I started having regular panic attacks and developed a depression, based on the fact that I can't feel happy about anything anymore, because at some point, it will be taken away from me. I stopped having dreams about my or our future, because I'm scared of disappointment and I never commit to anything, because I focus of the negatives. My mind has been a blur for over a year and it's deteriorating.
I tried going to therapy for a few months and felt improvement, but I think it only came from my research on the side, so I decided there is no point in going (maybe there is and I haven't found the right therapist). The main reason I started going was because that feeling was so crushing, I was so much afraid that the only way I could get better is by breaking up with my boyfriend and starting anew, building my paths all over again away from what we've had. Even while writing this I'm tearing up, because I just don't want to imagine a life without him and not having him as a part of my every day. I have reflected A LOT on if it's dependency that is making be stay with him, but it has come very clear to me that I know I can make it on my own or with someone else, I just don't want to. We've talked about some of this and about my depression and constant anxiety and he is trying to be understanding, which is hard for him to do with his stoic way of life.
Since the breakup I sometimes have amazing monthly long periods with almost no crash outs and that's when I'm happy, hopeful and looking forward to our future together, however that looks. But when a dark moment comes, it's like the good ones never existed, I can't stop my thoughts from pacing and wishing this could just be over. I know it's probably my overly stimulated nervous system and my body crashing out from burnout.
Besides this struggle, I have been very sad and empty with the rest of my life too - I still enjoy my hobbies and getting better at them, but sometimes while I'm there enjoying doing something an intrusive thought comes, telling me I'm this is too shallow of a thing to base your life's happiness on. My job is also something I don't enjoy at all anymore and the prospects of AI taking it over soon don't motivate me to look for a new role at a different company, so I feel stuck and unhappy there as well.
The reason I'm here on reddit is that I've reached a point where I can't take living like this anymore, I want to enjoy life again and I've started considering looking for happiness in some place new and leaving my boyfriend, even though just the thought of that is breaking my heart. I know going to therapy is my best shot right now, but I also wanted to see if anyone has gone through a very prolonged depressive period while in a relationship, combined with overall life dissatisfaction. Did you find out changing everything was your only way out, or maybe in this situation making changes in your life while staying in the relationship?