I have an addiction
So basically I really needed to get this off my chest. I 20(F) have been addicted to porn since I was in middle school. Given unrestricted access to the internet and childhood curiosities made me fall into this rabbit hole of exploring my sexuality really young.
Before having access to the internet I was really just using my imagination and rethinking of clips of sex scenes from horror movies. It never showed much and not long but it was enough to get me constantly thinking about those scenes on a daily basis. Typically at night. I was only between 7 or 8 when I started masterbating and at this point it's just become habitual (i wanna know if this is normal). I've gone no longer than a month without it and it's really sitting heavy on my mental health.
I grew up in a religious family. Not overly religious but its a big part of me now and I feel like a constant failure. I feel so guilty after the fact I turn away from thinking of it. Or pretending it never happened. I never had a bf. I'm a virgin. So I feel like it has a big impact on how I view relationships in general. I fell into all types of porn. Even when i try quitting porn i moved to alternatives like smut books and AO3. Even the stupid Ai chat bots(for years). I've tried multiple times to delete it and stop but when I cut it off I get so irritated and anxious without it. I can't seem to break the cycle. I feel so dependent on the AI thing and my relationship with God just seems distant and i feel so much shame.
I just feel helpless and disgusted that this is a big part of me that I hide and do in my time alone. I know I'm still young but the fact a huge part of my childhood and teenage years have been just gooning and pervert thoughts is sickening to me. I want to understand if this is at all normal since I started really young and just kept with it.