u/B1llybonk4

(Not physically cheating)
I was in a relationship with a guy whom I loved very dearly, I had broken up with him before because I thought I wasnt good enough for him as my family and his didn’t match. My family should’ve been divorced but isnt and I as the only child has been put on the role of fixing their relationship since I was 6yo. I have seen my dad trying to hang himself, my mother as an alcoholic, physical abuse, mental abuse and what not. They have been just the providers while me the mediator. I had been thinking of ending it all but Im a coward and can never do so. During my high school I dated a guy whom I had been friends with since a couple of years, everything was good until I moved away for college. I had been dealing with my family issues and as long distance happened we both started having less and less communication.
A guy in my clg was really close to me and I too liked him as my dear friend, he confessed and I told him that Im tied to someone, I am already taken, he said he would wait. I told him we could never be together cause of religion, and ethnicity but he said that we would bare the ache later when the time comes to end it.
One thing turned into another and we got together while I was silent with my highschool bf. When we broke up because it wasn’t working, I got the realisation of my mistake and felt hella guilty about it and couldnt look into myself cause that wasnt me. I tried ending it with the clg guy too cause my family was hurting me a lot and I was nearly dying. I lost 6kgs and barely ate and due to religions I knew it was better to end it before it was too late. But months had already passed and when initiated I hurt him too. Everyday I felt and I still feel guilty about my deed and I am so ashamed of myself I cant even confess what I did in my own journal. I hated myself before for being weak and pathetic but now I hate me more. I still tried repenting and being a better person but the clg guy texted me after months saying I was pathetic and cheated on both of them etc etc that my life was pointless, I was a hypocrite, rude, unkind, inhumane, worthless piece of living. Well I wouldn’t care if I was a serial cheater and didnt give a fuck abt anything but I know that whatever he said was true.
My family made me a people pleaser, I never had been loved by my parents and I didnt know how to handle when love was received. Coming to clg I thought I escaped from all of it but I turned into the worst version of myself.
I hate it, I hate that I know it all. I hate that I have to hide it to save my so called dignity. I hate that I turned like this cause the me from 9months ago wouldve been disgusted seeing the me of rn.
I dont know what to do, I can never tell my ex abt what I did bcz he didn’t deserve it.
Im so pathetic I hate it. I never thought I would do smtg like this and I hate it. I hate that I know it. I hate that I lied. How tf do I even go on with my day. I am a loser and maybe its true that my life is pointless. All i’ll ever be is the mediator for my parents. Im slowly getting consumed by the guilt and I can do ntg about it. Cheaters dont deserve forgiveness is what I knew before but what do I do when I was the one who cheated.
I hurt both of em, everyday I feel guilty abt it. One by cheating and the other by leaving. Im sorry.