u/Azurbylgje

For some reason, the posting button gets greyed when I enter my inquiry, so I'll post it in the first comment.

I'd like to understand what is going on.

I'm diagnosed with MDD and OCD and have been getting treated since June 2023.

I have tried everything available except TMS and psychosurgery: antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, ECT and Esketamine.

Nothing has made any difference. I only get side effects.

The thing is that I'm literally unable to describe what I am going through.

No matter how much I read about mental issues including anhedonia, I never something that is highly relevant.

My psychiatrist said this week that there is no point in prescribing antidepressants, antipsychotics and other classes as they simply don't work for me, so I'm now on only Lithium, Lamotrigine and Modafinil.

I used to be one of the top students among my class. I really liked studying and gaining information. I had the energy. Something was giving life a meaning.

One day, I woke up and completetly lost all of this. I can't read a book, I can't watch a movie, I bought an expensive gaming PC in hope to feel something, but I literally couldn't even get myself to sit in front of it. I used to be a computer nerd. I decided that I should change something in my life, so I learned a language and travelled abroad in order to study physics. However, nothing got better. I couldn't get out of bed and attend my lectures. I couldn't take a shower, brush my teeth and cook. I couldn't hold a job. I lost all my money and returned back to my homeland and I'm currently a computer science student. However, I'm simply unable to study. I'm unable to read a book. I'm unable to use my laptop. I'm unable to do anything. I'm now 23, unemployed and live with my mom. She is my only source of income. I have to study hard and hold a job in order to survive, but I am just unable. Something is wrong. Everybody keeps suggesting things like doing sports and praying to God. However, I basically feel nothing at all when I do these activites. In fact, I stopped praying because that is the period in which my OCD symptoms intensifies.

I never ask for help because I don't want others to feel bad. All the people I know are the ones who approached me. I have never approched someone. When I go out, I feel nothing at all. Nothing is interesting. Everything feel so colorless and boring.

I don't even know what I would do if I get money. Everything feels so valueless.