My wife once said something that stuck with me:
“Sometimes it feels like you see me as adversarial.”
At first, I wanted to explain it away.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“You’re taking it too far.”
But if I’m honest… that word didn’t come from nowhere.
There was a season in our marriage where conflict didn’t just feel hard it felt unsafe. Not physically, but emotionally. Every disagreement felt like a courtroom. Every word felt like it could be used against me. And without realizing it, I adapted.
“Say less.”
“Don’t trigger anything.”
“Keep the peace.”
On the outside, it looked calm.
But on the inside, I was shrinking.
And here’s the part I had to own what I did with that pressure.
Instead of bringing it to God…
Instead of leading with truth and humility…
I coped in the dark.
Lust got louder.
Attention from other women got louder.
Pornography got louder.
Even thoughts and actions I never thought I’d entertain… showed up.
Not because my wife caused it but because I chose it.
That’s a hard truth.
But it’s my truth.
And healing didn’t begin until I stopped pointing at her and started looking in the mirror.
Scripture says, “Do not give the devil a foothold.” — Ephesians 4:27
If I’m being real… I didn’t just give him a foothold.
I gave him space to move around.
But here’s the part that’s been reshaping me:
God isn’t just calling me to identify what went wrong
He’s calling me to decide who I’m going to be now.
Not reactive.
Not avoidant.
Not driven by hidden sin.
But grounded.
Honest.
Accountable.
Led by the Spirit, not my emotions.
Because the truth is my wife isn’t my enemy.
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood…” — Ephesians 6:12
And somewhere along the way, I started fighting the wrong battle.
I was trying to protect myself instead of protect us.
I was trying to be right instead of be righteous.
I was trying to survive conflict instead of grow through it.
And maybe the hardest part of this season…
Is knowing that even though I’ve changed internally,
she’s still healing from the version of me that didn’t show up right.
That tension?
That’s real.
But so is this truth:
“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation…” — 2 Corinthians 5:17
I can’t force her to see the new me.
I can only be the new me consistently, quietly, faithfully.
Not in big speeches.
Not in emotional defenses.
But in daily actions.
Patience when I’m misunderstood.
Gentleness when I’m triggered.
Integrity when no one’s watching.
Because leadership in marriage isn’t about controlling the outcome it’s about controlling your obedience.
So here’s the question I’ve been wrestling with:
Am I going to keep explaining myself…
or start embodying the man I say I’m becoming?
Because one builds arguments.
The other builds trust.
And trust…
is rebuilt the same way it was broken over time.
So today, I choose:
To close every door I once left open.
To take full ownership without defensiveness.
To love my wife without needing immediate validation.
To fight for my marriage the right way.
Not by overpowering conflict
but by outgrowing the man I used to be.