My first session wasn't what I expected, is there anything I can do next time? Or are my expectations unrealistic?
I'm a college student (20 year old trans dude) and kind of reached my mental breaking point recently and quickly got onto ketamine infusions. Like within a week of getting the idea. I'd heard of it before in my health science class but it wasn't really on my radar until my mom's friend mentioned it casually as something she was looking into, and I found a place very close to me that I can (sort of) afford, with help from my grandma. I've had passive suicidal ideation since I was like 9 years old, but lately it had just been consuming me and I was going pretty downhill and I knew that I just couldn't keep living like that. I have complex PTSD and a lot of unresolved trauma, and every psych medication I've tried has only increased suicidality (I'm on lexapro, tried to up the dose to help me more but it made it worse). The clinic is a branch of a well-known practice in my area, I trust them and felt good about how they did everything. They gave me 55mg (I'm 180 lbs) of ketamine in an IV as well as Zofran.
The only recreational drug I've done is cannabis, which is almost daily for my chronic pain. So I was used to feeling very spacey, but it felt more like I was just waking up from surgery than anything else. I threw up (even though I hadn't eaten that day, only drank water) and got super duper sweaty, and had some unrelated cramps, which were all pretty physically unpleasant, of course. I took it pretty well, and the staff were very nice and helpful, but still, it didn't feel much like I thought it would. I want to make it clear, it genuinely wasn't unpleasant, but the post-surgery feeling was just stronger than the zen feeling. Literally as I'm writing this, I am remembering that I experienced some medical trauma immediately after surgery back in January, which probably didn't help. Anyway, part of the time I just had very profound and positive thoughts; I was getting kind of emotional about the staff there because their job is centered around helping other people (and I'm looking to go into a somewhat similar career in public health), I had the feeling that things would be okay for me because I have people that love and care about me, and just generally I was appreciating goodness in the world in a way that my depression has made incredibly difficult lately. I had my eye mask on and my perception of time got very weird, just drinking water felt crazy. This didn't freak me out, but I feel like overall I was just too spaced out by how strange it all felt to get really into it. I had some chill music playing, comfy clothes, all that. I know the importance of set and setting -- the setting was half medical, half therapist's office, totally fine and comfortable but not as nice as my home. And I went in with a very open mindset, I wasn't worried about anything bad happening since I'd researched a ton. I guess I just feel disappointed? I suppose the barfing and sweat (they asked me if I got motion sickness, I'm usually fine so I guess they didn't give me enough) made it hard to really settle in the experience, it felt less like I was floating down the lazy river and more like I was going river tubing. Which I do also enjoy, but it just was just more disorienting than I expected.
Getting home wasn't hard, I was alone but live closeby. I showered then napped for a few hours, had a short session with my therapist (we planned it in advance in case things got really heavy), went to my evening class, and now I'm at home chilling. I've felt good and lighthearted, I'm also just excited because my mom is visiting tomorrow for the first time and we have a fun weekend planned. I'm honestly not really upset by this experience not being quite what I'd hoped or expected, I just want to know how other people have felt.
I don't know anyone personally who has done this therapy, my grandfather's cousin did recently (apparently he said it was life-changing after only a couple session) but I've never met him. I only have a couple friends who have recreationally done shrooms. So I haven't had anyone really tell me from personal experience what it's like. Ultimately, I'm just wondering if I should look into a different dosage, or just the first session will be like this, or I went into this expecting the wrong things?