Throw away account. I need some help figuring out what this dreams means. I’ve had it multiple times over the years and every single time it makes me the saddest I’ve ever felt.
context: Some time ago, i dated this person whom i loved. I broke it off because I found out that they were doing drugs in my house, and I don’t tolerate that. So, i broke up with them literally weeks after I first told them that i loved them. My heart was shattered. I hid it well because I’m the type of person to not show emotion in public. I ran into them a few times afterwards and we were civil.
Eventually, i met someone else, and to make a long story short, we got married after some time. But a couple months before we got engaged, my ex passed away from an OD. It hurt my heart so much and it still does- but i feel like i am not allowed to talk about it because 1. I feel like i broke his heart, 2. I have a new relationship. I don’t feel entitled to grieve, even though i miss them lots. Before they were my ex, they were a childhood friend, and we’ve been friends forever. So when they passed, i didn’t think that I lost my “love”, instead i lost a great friend. That hit harder than anything.
The dream: i have this reoccurring dream where I see my ex, and they’re talking to me, trying to get me to stay with them. They smile and laugh and is the person i loved. During my dream, I remember thinking, “what will my spouse say?” “I have to go back home to my spouse.” I so badly want to have both - that’s the dream. I’m quite literally being seduced in the dream by them the way i used to be seduced by them when we were together, and i am forced to choose between them and my spouse, but before i can choose, I wake up. I remind myself that it’s a dream, and that one person is here and the other is not, and that i do not have to choose. Even after i wake up, my heart feels divided and i don’t know what it means. I feel like im not supposed to feel like this because i love my spouse, we’ve been married for years. I just wish i could explain the hole in my heart. I obviously can’t talk to my spouse about it because it will make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes this dream happens once a month. What’s weird is that I want to dream of other people I’ve lost, yet, the only one that comes is my ex.
I believe God can talk to us through dreams at times, but this one I can’t seem to figure out what the point of it is. This dream happens exactly the same way every time. And i still wake up feeling like shit every time. I just wish i could make sense of it. If anyone has any thoughts to help me process it, i would be grateful.