I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but there are many people here who might understand me and answer my concerns. This will be a long post and I'm not very good with words, I'm just trying to explain my situation to you people so please bare with me, I NEED SOME FORM OF ADVICE.
I (17 M) live in a rural area of India, I'm a closeted gay, living here with my mother. We both live alone as we are in a legal battle with my father for maintenance in court and with his girlfriend in police station as we had gotten some information, that ,this girlfriend of his, is instigating my father into killing both of us (Note: My parents aren't divorced). And also cuz she, a piece of shit personified as a human, has "insulted" me , by calling me, gay, transgender, and women.
My mother is a wonderful woman, a caring mother who tries to fulfill any wish her child asks her to, but there's just a bit of a problem that she is , HOMOPHOBIC, or the type of person to say "I don't have any problem with LGBTQ people as long as it's not my child". In the society we live in, calling a man gay, transgender or women is considered as insults and a big one at that. It's considered a major tabboo for being in the LGBTQ COMMUNITY, that you will be taunted on , laughed at, joked on and assaulted . So her mind morphed with these beliefs, she isn't that of a supportive person of this.
My mother was pissed off of the comments, that personified piece of shit, had said about me. She, in simple words, is scared of what will think if they will think I'm gay. Many times that I've hinted her so I can talk to her about my sexuality, trying to get a reaction if I should proceed or not, she either says, that's girlish/ boys don't do these things or just getting mad at what I said or did.
I also have childhood trauma, as I've witnessed domestic abuse and sometimes was the victim , being the only support that she had back then, we became inter-dependent on eachother for emotional support. From all the trauma in the childhood , I've developed, God knows how many, things, like social anxiety, paranoia, and many things I can't really explain, except for being depressed. I've had many times thought and tried to "off" myself, but I look at her face and think "what would happen to her if I 'offed' myself?" and stopped there. She is a lovely person and a great mother but... I don't know what should I do.
There was this one time when I had a crush on a boy in 10th grade and proposed to him only to be rejected (I did it through messages). I was hurt from that, and I cried that night, my mother noticed and asked what's wong but I couldn't tell. After many times she asked me, I told her what was the situation showing her the messages not having the courage to say those things. Her reaction was that she started to cry and telling me why did I tell him this and what if he tells this to everyone. She went on and on begging me not to do this and she could get me "therapy" . Me being a person who can't see her cry , told her a lie, it was just emotional and not romantical. I don't know how she believed it even though I told her minutes ago that I loved him.
She even asked, the next day, me if I liked any girl in class, and I lied again saying yes. The crying incident happened again, when after sometime of the rejection I was trying to preserve anything that I could between me and him as he was my only friend, she cried, but not but not time's intensity, expressing similar emotions like the last time and me being the people pleaser, again calmed her.
After this and when we caught my father's affair , my mind was shattered and then I started to feel like there's another in my mind other than mine, kind of like my mind was breaking into two parts. At this time I was also searching for what I'm going through, which I thought was bipolar disorder and DID( dissociative identity disorder) , when I told her about this and about getting therapy, she didn't take it that seriously saying doctor can't know you better than your family and said to explain myself more, as I told u, I'm not good at expressing myself, she knows this but still couldn't come to accept that fact. It comes off as childish behaviour to her I think, to not expressing myself.
I want to cry, cry every night but the tears don't come. I want to cry till my eyes become sore but tears still won't come.
Today, I was helping her in kitchen and topic came to my "wife" in future, on which I joked as usual as "who said I'd have a wife" and got the usual outburst, but she said something different this time, along the lines like , "yea, make them believe that what they said is right" which is about me being gay. I'm broken even more after this.
I don't even know what to write after this.
Please give me some advice. Please 🙏