There are a few things I need to talk about because it’s getting too much
Sometimes I get these bouts of guilt and anxiety about the past and I kind of just want to write it out and just get it off of me.
When I was a kid, other kids would jump on me, hit me with tennis rackets and tease me until I snapped and got punished. I kind of ended up with a reputation.
I let a boy kick me in the shins because I thought u couldn’t feel pain.
A girl once took all the pencils I was using, so I drew heaven and hell and put her in hell before asking people if they want to be in “the good place” or “the bad place.”
I started talking to a guy on Skype when I was 9, he asked me to take my clothes off. I thought he was my friend. I felt guilty about refusing him and lying about siblings. One day he got really angry with me and stopped talking to me. I tried to apologise but I never got a reply.
When I was in year 7 (around 11/12) I got into a disagreement with a friend. I said something offensive and she told me to shut up and started ignoring me. When I tried to talk to her and she continued to ignore me I pulled her hair and kind of threw her behind me. Some of her hair came out. When I saw her talking to our other friends about it, I got angry again and hurt another one of our friends. I have apologised but after that I didn’t want to bring up because I knew it upset her. About a year later after that incident she joined a different friend group with another one of our friends.
I also punched someone in the face after they hurt my hand when I jokingly pretended to go for someone their chocolate. She wasn’t injured just a bit shocked.
I bit a boy who put his fingers near my mouth.
I started dating a girl because she sent me photos of her cutting herself and saying she liked me and I was scared she’d hurt herself more if I said no.
I once got into an argument with someone because they were being shitty to my friend. I shouldn’t have, I later saw that they were hurting themselves and felt guilty.
One of my male friends used to rub his dick against my butt while looking at boys playing football, he also once grabbed my hair and pulled my head to his crotch. This same friend told me I was ugly repeatedly until I internalised it. Once when I said the same about him, he got really angry.
A group of girls said they were scared of me but on the bus they’d regularly pull and poke my hair which made me really confused. They also used to laugh and mock me kind of obviously, like it was supposed to be behind my back but they’d make it so I could hear them. I used to hide in the library at lunch and write stories, read or cry.
When I was 15 a friend kept asking for money but he never paid it back, it took another one of my friends to force him to give me the money back. I’m autistic and kind of naive and gullible, especially at that point.
I told my friends I had autism and they stopped talking to me for a year or two.
I didn’t have proper, decent friends until I was 15/16, but even then it often felt like they were just using me to get rides to things.
I trolled creeps on Omegle.
When I was 13, I met a guy on Omegle. I thought he was kind of cool. He knew my age and we started talking, he gave me his kik and I added him. It was fine, sexual but I didn’t mind until it got gross. He wanted me to do things with animals but I kept putting it off until he introduced me to his “friend”. His friend liked me and I kind of liked him, it was mostly because I was 13 and willing to do what they wanted on camera. We “dated” over Kik. I did a lot of things I didn’t want to do because I was really lonely. My friend stopped talking to me. A boy I had a crush on who I spoke to while waiting for the bus stopped talking to me after snatching my phone and seeing the pictures I sent. I didn’t really have many friends. I tried to refuse a few times but he’d stop talking to me. I was cutting at the time and suicidal, going in and out of CAMHS and Counselling. Eventually I was too tired to refuse anything and he seemed to get off to me being uncomfortable. Once he described raping me, as violently as he could, tearing me apart like I was nothing. I just went along with it before sleeping for the rest of the day because I just felt off. It stopped when I was 15, finally had friends, and I saw a play about grooming at school. I broke things off but when I told him that I didn’t know if I loved him, he said “I love you too.” Which made me feel guilty. I feel regret because I could’ve said something sooner. Around the time I started getting tired, I stopped caring or thinking about it and he started sending me images of other girls he was talking to so I’d feel insecure. I could’ve done something sooner and helped them but I didn’t because I’m a fucking moron.