It took 10+ years but I finally did it!
Hey bestie! I have some great news to share with you. I was finally able to take a large step in emotional healing. It has felt like a wall for decades. Sorry for the long backstory. I was sexually abused by a cousin who was only 2 years older than me. It lasted from my earliest memories to puberty. His dad did the same with my sister when she was a child, so we’re pretty sure he was behind it. Regardless, I did not handle being a victim of whatever sick game was happening. I was 19 the first time I attempted to have a sexual relationship and broke down. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (unknown at the time) and saw things in black in white. I couldn’t convince myself I could let another man touch me and still say it was wrong for him to do so. I broke down hard. I’ve faced anorexia twice. The second time, after he touched my shoulder at a family reunion my dad had begged me to go to. Once ending in a specialized inpatient treatment center at John Hopkins. I sliced my thighs to the point I caused nerve damage, so I wouldn’t even dare to take my pants off in front of anyone. (Highly recommend for anyone in need). I drowned myself in alcohol and drugs. I had a very rough 20s. I didn’t want to kill myself. I wanted to torture myself. Logically, I know sexual assault isn’t about attraction, but I hated my body. I kept thinking if I had a different body, this wouldn’t have happened, and immediate death was too kind. I’m not excusing my behavior. I seriously tested whether my parents' love was unconditional. (Thank God it is) I spent 5+ years in weekly therapy, including DBT, to call him by his first name. I used to refer to him as “him”. He is now loving, “Dickface (first name)”. I have gone to great lengths to ensure absolutely zero communication with him since the shoulder incident. Due to the epilepsy I contracted at 32, I have had to live with my parents for the past 2 years. He lives 2 houses away. I have had anxiety that caused seizures about running into him.
Today, that changed.
2 weeks ago, his daughter walked down with a mutual uncle. She saw the garden plot I had set up in the front yard. She asked if she could grow tomatoes. The youngest son was excited to help. I told them yes. My aunt, who is his neighbor, babysits her and his sisters 2 sons. I learned that the older son is an insane bully. At 12 years old, he loudly cusses and throws things when gaming. He throws things whenever he’s mad. He punches them. They are 9. I told them to go for the dick and knees.
I experienced the worst years of my life in that house. I couldn’t let that happen to them. I revised my offer to let them plant tomatoes. If they planted them, they would have to walk down once a week and help with watering. As long as I have popsicles, they’d stay awhile. I haven’t gone longer than 2 months without a seizure since they started and I have no aura as a warning one is about to happen. As a result, I refuse to be left alone on the property with children. This would still get them away from the bullying for a bit when they’re out of school and allow all contact to go through my aunt, while not interfering with my mom or sisters' plans. (She’s the middle neighbor)When they came down today, she wanted to hear stories about her dad when he was a kid. She lit up at each one. It forced me to remember the good moments instead of hyper focusing on the disgusting ones. She also.made plans to do crafts and take sewing lessons with my mom.We also have plans to make cinnamon rolls from scratch. I can’t do all this without contact from her parents and I’ve never met her mom. This happy, innocent little girl that never shuts up and giggles every other sentence did it. She gave me the push I could never find. My mom, bless her heart, can’t work the text app. I unblocked him on Facebook today. I sent him a message asking for permission and about allergies and snacks. Some crucial need to know info if she was going to spend a lot of time here. I also told him I promised not to tell her any of the shitty past but would fully back any confession out of fear he might say no. He apologized. Sorry will never be good enough as I will never forgive him. But, I instantly felt my chest untighten a little. Not only was I strong enough to open the rusty door of communication, but my abuser also validated me. I felt so strong and not so crazy in that moment. My hurt and emotions regarding it are real. I’m on cloud nine and want to tell the world.