It's kinda long but I need help
I 20 F, and a little about myself:
I’ve always been the type of person who feels everything too deeply. I put trust people too easily because I naturally don't assume bad intentions, even when I probably should. Im a pushover. I avoid conflict, I struggle to say no. I hate being mean, I hate disappointing people, and I care way too much about how others feel even when it ends up hurting me.
Two years ago, I met a guy. (He was 20 M at the time) It was the first time I had ever talked to someone like that, so I didn’t really know what I was doing. It wasn't even like a relationship and it ended pretty fast. Logically it isn't supposed to hurt because of how short it was, but it completely changed me and I forever lost a version of myself.
In the beginning, he put me on a pedestal. He acted like he couldn’t believe I would even give him a chance. I would always try to make him feel secure. I would always make sure to compliment him and reassure him because I didn’t want him to feel insecure or him to think I was better than him.
He would sometimes push me to do things sexually that I didn’t want to do. But I didn’t know how to hold that boundary, and eventually I would say yes; not because I wanted to, but because I felt this overwhelming guilt at the idea of disappointing someone. I felt like if I didn’t, I would disappoint him or make him lose interest. I’ve always had that tendency to fawn, to prioritize someone else’s comfort over my own. I hate that I’m like that, but it’s the truth.
Looking back, he definitely knew I was naive nd not experienced, and instead of respecting that, he used it. ( I mean i remember him himself telling me that that I'm way too naive and innocent) and not experienced, and instead of respecting that, he used it.
After a few weeks, he completely ghosted me. He just stopped replying with no explanation. I remember overthinking everything, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and honestly a little broken.
Almost a week later, I found out through someone else that he was still with his “ex” the whole time. (She was never his ex; they were together the entire time. I had just been lied to from the start.)
After finding that out, everything started making sense. All the small lies, the weird excuses; like when I accidentally took a scrunchie from his car and him insisting that it was his “sister’s.” At the time I believed him, but looking back, it was obviously hers. That’s when I realized how easily he lied, and how I just trusted him without questioning it.
It made me feel stupid, like I ignored things because I genuinely wanted to believe he was a good person. It made me feel realize that I had been nothing more than a game to him to manipulate, use, and discard.
After finding out I decided to tell his girlfriend the truth. I felt like she deserved to know. She told me he would post her, take her on dates, treat her with care; everything I never received. That part hurt in a way I still struggle to explain. It made me question what was so different about me. How could someone treat one person with kindness and another with complete disregard? (and I do understand the fact that me not having strong boundaries and not standing up for myself has to do a lot with how others treat me but it still hurts.)
The next morning, everything escalated. He started calling me, my friends and anyone he could reach. He was begging me to lie for him and tell her that nothing happened. I remember him saying things like, “If you have any empathy, don’t ruin what we have. This is serious, our families are involved.” knowing that I’m someone who already struggles with that. When I asked why he lied about everything and completely betrayed me, I remember him asking me that why does that even matter it's so insignificant. And I just sat there crying, overwhelmed, not knowing what to do. (I tried my best during the call to go on mute whenever it sounded like I was crying)
Then he decided to add me and his girlfriend to a group call. I was clearly upset and sniffling barely holding myself together. While she seemed completely calm. He looked stressed and started talking like nothing ever happened. He kept repeating over and over that i mean nothing to him and that I should just get over it, also said that talking to me was his biggest mistake ever.
(The whole situation completely broke me because he was the nicest person ever towards me literally just a few days ago, nobody had ever been this nice to me and that switch was hard to process)
During that call, he also kept repeating to block both him and his gf to leave them both alone. I couldn't talk because my voice kept quivering.
Then i remember him laughing claiming "sorry to break it you but it wasn’t even me texting you and that it was my friends “trolling” you from my account" and that the only real interaction we had was physical. Hearing him say that in front of her made me feel so humiliated, like everything I experienced was being reduced to nothing. I couldn't even argue back or atleast defend myself, instead was just silent trying to process his words. I hung up and decided to block him but not her out of spite.
Right after the call, he had someone reach out to me and say he wanted to text me to apologize. After that I should block them both to let this whole thing go.
I agreed. I agreed because I felt like it was my only chance to say everything I needed to say.
He texted me with "are you okay?" I remember bursting into tears again right after receiving that text because I really wanted his remorse and wanted an explanation on to WHY he did that to me (closure)
I poured my heart into that message explaining that this was my first time ever talking to someone, that he had betrayed me in every possible way and that I was hurt in ways I didn’t know how to fix. (I now know no matter how hurt I was, he wouldn't care; but at the moment I was just making impulsive decisions)
All he replied was: “Sorry, I know it’s going to hurt, but I never liked you.” I feel like he did that just to get the whole thing over with, and for me to just block him and her.
What made it worse is that she stayed with him. He got everything his way, while I was left dealing with everything he did to me.
A few months later, I found out from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend that he had secretly recorded me during the times we were together. At first, I dismissed it as a rumor, but it turned out to be true. (It's was upsetting because people have been talking about my back)
I didn't wanted to face him again but I feel like I had to to stand up for myself and decided to confront him. He got angry, yelled at me, and shut me down, acting like I was the problem and kept telling me to leave him alone.
(And kept claiming it never happened, but ik it did happen because they described what I was doing etc I don't wanna go on detail)
It went exactly how I expected it would go. Rumors spread very fast, people would hear about this situation; call me h03, reduce and label me to very degrading terms etc. I actually felt like I had nobody on my side to talk to.
It’s been two years, and it still affects me every single day. I avoid going to public places because I’m scared of seeing him. Even when I’m at home, I feel paranoid; like I rush to my car in the mornings before work because if I see a random car driving by, I start getting paranoid thinking it could be him. Anything that reminds me of that time makes me feel anxious.
(And it's not like I didn't push myself to get over it, I deleted all social media to avoid getting updates. I sat through and processed my emotions instead of avoiding it. I made myself busy focusing a lot on school, gym and work, nothings working)
Growing up, I avoided relationships because I was scared I wouldn’t be enough. I was scared that someone would get to know me and find me weird or unlovable and decide I wasn’t worth it. I didn't want to become disappointment to anyone.
And the first time I finally gave someone a chance, it ended up proving all my fears about myself right. And I don’t know if I can ever talk to anyone again.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to accept is that he will never feel any remorse for what he did to me. From what I’ve seen and heard, there’s no sign that he feels any guilt. I do think a genuine apology from him could have helped me heal in a lot of ways, because my worth became tied to him after he triggered so many of my deepest fears.