I relapsed after 1,000 days sober. And I am so guilty
So I finally went back to school in January. It was going good I had been sober for a year and a half at that point and I was handling my classes well. Well then someone put it in my head that maybe I would benefit from a stimulant bc I do have adhd. So I asked my psychiatrist who’s one of those docs who will give you whatever you ask for and she gave it to me. I immediately felt so guilty so I asked for a benzo (my #1 drug of choice) to help calm me down - total med seeking didn’t need it at all. I’m actually doing pretty good not abusing the stimulant but the benzo is another story. And truly I don’t see how I’m gonna stop since it’s so easy to manipulate this doctor into giving me what I want.
And before people suggest it - I literally came clean to her about how I didn’t need the benzos I just was abusing them bc I wanted to. And she thanked me for my honesty and 2 days later wrote me a one month supply for klonopin.
The guilt and shame is unbearable. I worked so hard. I got my own apartment and a stable job in recocery rhis time. And I’m back in school finally. Just when things were finally getting better for me I ruined it all. I’m so scared I’m going to loose everything I worked for. I definitely cannot rebuild again I almost couldn’t do it this time.
I am just sad an hate myself.
Other than my therapist I have no one to talk to about this. I need to make more friends but idk how. How do you make friends in your late 20’s? It’s literally impossible.
Sorry for the whining it just needs to get out of my head. Thanks for whoever read this