I broke up with my ex of 12yrs about 3 months ago. He was emotionally cheating on me and we had some other compatibility issues. Its been a bit messy settling things and we haven't gone 100% NC because I still loved him when we broke up and i couldn't bring myself to go NC yet. We had a cat together too, so he also didn't want to not see the cat anymore.
I said I needed space and maybe one day we could try again, but no promise of when or IF that would happen. I wanted us to live our own lives and focus on ourselves.
I hoped my boundaries were clear enough but he's been very much in the mindset of how bad he messed up and wanting to do "anything and everything" to fix it. Lately I've told him I can't give him what he wants.
Additionally he used to live with me so we're still in the process of getting his stuff out of my place(he doesn't really have anywhere to put it). So at some point he'll come over to pick up more stuff and drop off more of my things. We don't casually talk, only a couple times but for the last month we haven't been talking. Only briefly to discuss when he can come by to get things, he also plans to say/ask me things. I think he'll ask about how he can fix everything. I've been delaying some because I haven't been in a mindset to talk yet, I'm anticipating having to 100% go no contact and tell him that I can't think of a future together.
This has been a very hard process for me and in some ways my ex has been making this harder. Its not like I actually wanted to break up, I had to accept the reality of everything thing. Its put me in a mindset that I may never be able to forgive or trust him. In the beginning I had hope, but with him backing out of therapy and staying in contact with the girl he was emotionally cheating with has me 100% doubting any chance of change.
So, unfortunately, before I could deal with this discussion my birthday came up. I didn't talk to him all day and I was out celebrating with family. I get home and find he left a bag on my porch. He got me a birthday gift. I was not happy to see it. Kinda mad he got me something. I almost hoped he'd forget that it was birthday, or at most just a text wishing me a happy birthday. But now I have a present I didn't ask for and I don't know if I even want to keep it. I haven't actually opened it yet. I feel like this complicates things even more. If I keep it, it might give him hope. If I give it back, he might break down. Either sad or angry, I can mentally see him say "how he's just making it worse" which is hard for me. I hate seeing him hurt even with everything that happened. But I don't want to feel responsible for his emotions. Im still mad about everything but haven't actually felt like I "hate" him.
I can't decide if this is just venting or asking for help. I dont really have a specific question of what to do about this but Im open to advice and opinions on this. Or even just support. Its bad enough that I still invalidate myself on the reasons for the breakup, like I'm not giving him enough chances or I didn't try hard enough. But seriously, I dealt with the emotional cheating for 2 years waiting for him to "fix" it. I even tried to "fix" the problem is didn't create 🤦♀️
Anyways, thank you for reading.