Mom (37F) to my boyfriends (40M) daughter (10F) for 5 years, thinking of leaving my boyfriend, how do i handle the relationship with her going forward?
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about eight years. The first five years were long distance, and since then we’ve lived together on and off for many reasons - mostly because I’ve started grad school and travel for clinical rotations.
To be totally honest, in the beginning there was no huge spark or chemistry. Just two people who were consistent and showed up for each other. But from the beginning I wondered if this was the right relationship for me. However, he is a good partner- consistent, thoughtful, kind, down to earth. We’ve worked hard to strengthen our bond over the years. there are some flaws of course- defensive, can be immature, and lacks some emotional and cognitive intelligence. But we still have a good time together. However it’s 8 years later and I’m still questioning things, which scares me because I want children and would like to start trying asap.
If I’m being totally honest with myself I probably should left in the beginning when there was no real spark but I didnt and of course now things are complicated. He has a ten year old daughter. For all intents and purposes I am her mother. Her birth mother lives in another state and has had problems with drugs and the law. She pops in and out of her life. But for the last 5 years I have been the one who has been around acting as her mom.
I feel incredibly stuck. This little girl has already lost one mom. Shes incredibly resilient and doing well but I am terrified that if I would leave she would spiral. She’s just hitting that age where moms are super important- she asks me about puberty and friendships and she’s very emotionally needy. If I leave, all of that is stripped from her. In order to make a clean break from my bf I feel like I would need to distance myself from her too. I just don’t see how that’s possible. I need advice. Do I stay and make things work with him, potentially sacrificing finding a relationship better suited for me? Or do I leave and risk traumatizing this child?