I’m new here, sorry if a rant isn’t the expected first post from newbies, but I’m actually losing my mind right now.
I was diagnosed T2 about a month ago and started on metformin. I don’t, like… accept a diagnosis of diabetes? I just don’t. My a1c was sitting fine for years, and then I started taking meds that have a known effect on raising fasting BG levels and a1c. One of those is a lifesaver and can’t go away, another we’re switching to an alternate in a few months. Before the lifesaver med, I had my period for over 60% of 2024, and my a1c was on the line of diabetes but also was completely unverifiable because of how much blood I was losing and also how low my iron was. I started having regular-ish periods and my a1c when down .5. My anxiety med got doubled, and then my a1c started going up and now it’s at 7.2 after about four months. Also during that time, my car died and I had to replace the transmission ($2k I did not have), and my cat died rather suddenly from a really rough disease, and it was the lead up to the anniversary of my brother’s suicide, and and and all the stress builds up, and stress can cause higher a1c levels independent of diabetes. It also causes my reproductive issues to flare up, which flared up this winter, so I was bleeding for about 40% of the testing period for my a1c last month compared to 15-20%. And all of this with a lower than usual for me fasting BG level. So that is a tough diagnosis to accept and I’m not there yet, and maybe in 3-6 months of no lifestyle changes other than less immediate stress and a different anxiety med my a1c will have dropped so much that my NP will be like “huh we must have been wrong” and it will be removed from my medical record. But realistically until that doesn’t happen, mentally? I’m not gonna accept it.
I also have an eating disorder (OSFED - for me, this includes restrictive behavior similar to anorexia as well as binge eating behavior similar to bulimia) as well as texture sensitivity (which my nutritionist thinks is ARFID because a stray bean doesn’t make most people as distressed as it makes me). I am in ED therapy and seeing an ED nutritionist, as well as a regular therapist, and my nurse practitioner who’s my primary care provider. And like, I don’t accept that I have diabetes, and in addition to that, every single thing I can find that is from a trusted source about diabetes is so completely antithetical to ED treatment, except for consistency of meals. And following ED treatment advice feels like I’m failing managing my body, and following diabetes food advice makes me feel like not eating until I waste away is the better option. These are OPPOSED and they DON’T FIT.
I see my therapist and my nutritionist and we’re working on recognizing hunger cues, which have now disappeared on metformin and it feels like all of the progress I’ve made in the last 6 months has been wiped out. I was hungry once yesterday. At 11pm. And eating then triggered ED brain about how I’m not good enough and how I’m a failure no matter if I eat or not, and then that triggered a desire to just binge on junk secretly in bed where no one would see. I already had to discuss with my NP metformin timing because if you’re supposed to have it every day at the same time after your meals but you sometimes just have to celebrate that you made it to one whole meal that day, when do you take it????
How in the actual fuck am I supposed to keep my blood sugar stable and eat food regularly now when every food is a fucking landmine, too? I’m going from the ED path of “a less healthy choice is still better than nothing, the focus should be on listening to your body and supporting it” to “you MUST COUNT CARBS and check your blood sugar these FIVE TIMES A DAY and avoid THESE BAD FOODS and be VIGILANT ALL THE TIME” like holy fucking shit am I supposed to exist on water, canola oil, and chicken breast tenderloins as the only “safe” foods when the last half year of my life has been specifically aiming away from the concept of “good” and “bad” and “safe” in foods so that I actually eat more than one meal a day and feel like I can eat in front of people???
From my trusted medical research sources the following foods are the list of diabetes-safe foods that I can eat that won’t send me into a meltdown or dissociation:
- Water
- Canola oil
- Green beans
- Asparagus
- Cooked broccoli
- Spinach
- Berries
- Chicken
- Eggs
- Yogurt but only if it’s missing everything that makes yogurt taste good
- Plain whole wheat bread
- Oatmeal until I get sick of it (I’m already sick of it)
- Brown or wild rice if I have over an hour to cook and then additional time to prep all the shit that has to go with it before I eat.
This is a nothing existence and it’s entirely unsustainable.
Also if I read “you’re a diabetic” one more time I’m gonna scream. Diabetes is not part of my personality. It is a thing people want to tell me I have and I refuse to be put down as “a diabetic” like no. Fuck that. Fuck that so much. Even if I ever get to a point where I accept that diagnosis, I will never be “a diabetic” I will have diabetes and the literature out there does not support that at all. Where is the push for change and how do I sign up?