Struggling with immense guilt and regret after putting my cat to sleep on Wednesday. I feel like I betrayed her and rushed the decision.
I feel incredibly broken right now. We put our beloved cat to sleep this past Wednesday, and since then, I haven’t been able to sleep. The guilt and the "what ifs" are absolute torture.
Back in January, after a long search for the cause of her health issues, she was diagnosed with widespread lymphoma. She had small tumors on her hip that made it difficult for her to walk, and her back leg was constantly swollen. The first vet advised us to euthanize her then, saying there was no hope for improvement. We weren't ready. We got a second opinion, but the diagnosis was the same.
We chose palliative care because we couldn't let go yet. We gave her strong opioids (Buprenorphine) 1–2 times a day to ensure she wasn't in pain. It was so hard to tell if she was suffering; she was such a fighter. Over the months, she lost so much weight and her limp got worse, but she still sought our company, purred, ate, and drank.
Things changed at the end of March. For about 1.5 weeks, she had constant diarrhea, barely ate or drank, and her face just looked... different. She would sit in her own mess because she couldn't get away or clean herself, and we had to wash her. We felt that because cats are such clean animals, this was a loss of dignity for her.
We scheduled the appointment for Wednesday evening. But on that final day, she was so active. She ate, she drank—it was a "good day." I felt so much uncertainty. We had scheduled and canceled so many appointments before, but this time felt final.
The vet came to our home. He did a quick exam and said she seemed more "absent" than usual, but he only saw a snapshot of her. I feel like I should have spoken up more, shown him how active she had been that morning. I feel like I let myself be pressured into the decision because I thought it was "time," and even the vet agreed.
But I wasn't ready. And now, the guilt is consuming me. I feel like I lied to her, betrayed her, and went behind her back. I keep seeing the images of her final moments and wondering: What if she could have had a few more beautiful weeks? What if she didn't want to go yet? Did we just take her life away when all she wanted was our love?
I’m also struggling with the morality of it all. Was I even entitled to make such a decision for her? Shouldn't I have just stayed by her side and cared for her until the very end, no matter how hard it got?
I keep wondering if she might have just passed away peacefully on her own in her sleep. I feel like I played God and took away her natural end. I feel like I owed it to her to keep nursing her, but instead, I chose to end it. How do I live with the thought that I may have cut her time short when she was still fighting to be with us?
I don't know how to deal with this. It’s tearing me apart.