I am a fucking monster I am well aware. I made a post here yesterday venting about my situation and just how it is to parent him sometimes. I have two kids (3 year old ASD non verbal/approaching? and 7 year old ADHD) I called my wife in the thick of one of his meltdowns (he kicked my plate of breakfast out of my hand, knocked my glass of juice on the carpet and kicked me in the face when I was trying to restrain him) and told her that I could not stand this r-word, fuck him and how I wanted to sign away my rights. I love my son (despite what anyone wants to say) and I feel like truly wanting to end myself. Not due to him, but myself.
I may be autistic myself. I started speaking pretty late, saw this lady when I was a kid (I don't remember why but seeing my son with his ABA teacher felt nostalgic?) was called that word myself by my mother and other people, and my mom was suggested to try to get SSI for me. I see me in my son. I understand him a lot more than people realize. His angry reactions are my reactions. I feel misunderstood, I get angry. Sometimes its a real hit to see him and then see myself as a child and I think it hits me even harder.
He was born after I reconciled with my wife after her infidelity. He was supposed to be our new start baby (not right to put that pressure on him) and in the beginning we were happy. Then I started noticing the characteristics (not pointing, not answering to his name, etc) and I have been grieving the life I thought we would have ever since. I guess sometimes I forget(?) how severe it is until I get slapped out of nowhere because he was mad at someone else and needs to get out his frustration on anyone or thing nearby. Then it hits me and I feel overwhelmed. In what was his biggest meltdown (at least in my presence) I lost it and needed to get out the energy somehow. I wrote a vent here and in some other reddits and then I called her.
I have probably destroyed my wife's trust as a father and husband. My life is probably over now and she is making moves to distance me from them. I never abused them and besides this moment, never used the word to describe either of them. My remorse can't be put into words, especially with the little guy still coming to me and being so loving and caring when not in meltdown mode. I fucked up bad. I love my kids with my soul and I can't believe I did this.
I am a shit father living a lie thinking I was a good dad. I provide, I try to work from home to spend time with my kids as much as possible, I stim with them to show that I am trying to be in their world. But this one incident has my wife just done and I can't blame her. Now I am lost with this impending doom that I might not be able to see my kids as much as I am used to.
All this is to say that for all the parents of ASD kids out there, please try to have patience with yourselves and also watch what you say. I don't resent my kids, I resent not being able to cope with the life I cannot have anymore. I resent the breakdown of my marriage. I resent not being equipped for this. I resent myself for even thinking that hideous word. I am not looking for pity, what I did was red alert bad. This shit is hard, like very hard and no matter what I was going through I had no right to say that. At the same time, I know I love my children and I need them.