7 Days
I've never posted on Reddit before, so apologies if this is shit.
7 days. It's been 7 days no porn. I found myself in an familiar position last week. It was 9am and then all of a sudden it was 4pm. I cleaned up, walked into the kitchen. My junk felt particularly sensitive in my pants. I walked into the bathroom, pulled my pants down and looked at myself in the mirror. My dick had ballooned like an elephant's trunk. I beat off to porn for so long that I'd caused injury to my little fella. Naturally, I panicked. I got an ice pack out, wrapped it in a towel and shoved it down my pants and got straight to ChatGPT to find out if my dick was gonna fall off.
I think I've always had a problem with porn. But like many, I don't think I paid it much attention. It was always there, the itch. I can remember as far back as 12 or 13 years old, finding CDs in my older cousin's 100 CD stacks with porn on them. And watching the shit out of them.
Fast forward 20 years and I'm still at it, but now I live in a foreign country, I work remote, I don't have many friends here and I'm isolated for almost 12 hours a day while my partner is at work. So Time+opportunity+boredom=Fap. It used to be like a 10min thing. Bust and go. But now it's hours. And with that comes the porn escalation. I'm not gay, I'm not even attracted to guys. But 9 times out of 10 that's the porn I watch now. It's mad.
In addition to having a clear porn addiction, I also have a drug and alcohol problem. I don't want to say addiction, because I can go ages without, and I wasn't injecting or anything. But when I do drugs, I fucking do them hard. So much so that the two worlds collide. My porn world and my drugs. I've explored things while high I would have never thought about sober. I've slept with men and trans people that I'm not even attracted to. I believe I've driven myself to this somehow. Hours and hours of watching porn, moving my threshold of what gets me off. The result is behaviour that feels disconnected from my actual preferences or values.
Anyway, 7 days ago I looked in the mirror with an ice pack down my pants and thought, this has to stop. It took 3 days for the swelling to go down. 3 days of hiding it from my partner. Which was fucking hard. I'm a naked sleeper, I run about our house with my dick out all the time. To then have to act different. Fuck it was hard.
So here I am. 7 days. No fap, no porn. I will say, the first few days were easy (couldn't touch my dick, so) but now, on day 7, the itch is back. Fucking Instagram and shit makes it worse. Fapbait.
I thought that maybe sharing a bit might be cathartic and make me feel better.