I go into the pizzaria, starving because I forgot to eat.
I see him, the man that dissapointed me my whole life.
He avoided my gaze like the cowards all men are.
He looked the same, maybe it was just me that had changed.
”Still just a girl.” Thats what he says, no emotion cause all men are heartless.
Thats what I wanna yell with tears in my eyes.
I want to scream till my throat dies and kick the air while people drag me away but I cant,
im just a ’girl’, submit.
Like when your frustrerated in a server but got muted for saying hi.
Its always the same ”calm down” etc etc. I was always calm, but that doesn’t matter.
”Daddy issues final boss” but they don’t understand, every girl with issues with her father is just evidence men fail at everything. But I can’t say that,
because I’m just a girl.
But what if I just want to let it out? What if I just wanna cry till my eyes are raw and im trembling violently.
But I cant cause im just a ’girl’.
At school I want to scream and throw things but I dont.
My mind was a mess, a storm, something I can’t tell what is.
”Calm child” echos in my head over and over again like I was going insane,
and at school I just lie like the liar I am, like the liar they want me to be.
Is it an act or a lie? I cant tell, should I tell? Yes no maybe, give me an answer
but they never do, do they?
Be helpless they say, but that only attracts predators no?
’You could have been more blunt’ but I thought I was suppose to be helpless!
Is it really my fault for doing the instructions or are you teaching me that everything I do is wrong?
’Be nice’ ’dont judge’ ’Dont be blunt’. All bullshit.
I go to the subway already starving but my body has to be perfect,
a classmate whispers to his friends and I already know what it is, I’m just an object in this worl. Born to be played with.
Their called warning signs and if you ignore them your perfect if you don’t your seen as a mess,
even tho I am one.
At 7 I was avoiding the color pink, becoming a ”tomboy”, it was never about the color. It was the meaning, the idea.
Hungry stares and the sounds of lips being licked as I walked through with my hiijab, when’s the last time you asked your pizza delivery man if he’s a rapist?
I pick up my 11 year old sister with a smile on my face but It didn’t reach my eyes like it used too, how could it? I could feel the stares lingering on me and her, the little boys she played with eyed her like she was a prize. That young? I take my sisters hand and leave, feeling like a wolf was about to eat me like I was their prey.
When I got home I already had two marks on my shoulder, those from men trying to be friendly with hungry gazes. I don’t get it, if Im just a girl why should I exist? Why do I exist if its only for childbirth? God couldn’t make men give birth?
I want to cry and I want to hit, but I dont because its all hopeless dreams,
something thats possible but never has a good outcome,
reality they say. And who decided this? Im just 13 but age doesn’t matter
because you could be just 80 running in a clock that never stops but I dont need breaks, im just a girl.
Like your times up in a test and you have to SUBMIT.
It gets me thinking at night, Its not questions about life or him in general.
I question why I should worship a god that only hurts me, I dont think Allah has done much good for me if its not ruining it again.
Why should I worship a god made up by an ignorant man, islam is just an excuse to make women submitt
and if you wanted me to then I want recipts they exist.
But I dont say that, those words only exist in my head because im just a girl.
I lay on my back for hours through the night with thoughts storming my brain,
but girls cant be smart they have to be elegant, sit straight, no elbows at the table, ”when are you having kids?” Never.
But thats not an answer you should have.
”Is it bad to think like this?” I wonder the next morning and do it all again.
Go to school, be what everybody expects, come home and distract yourself with your phone.
”Dont be addicted! Your ruining your brain!” Why do I need this brain to be seen as JUST a girl?
”Be yourself!” They say. But its not that easy, being myself would mean ruining everything.
My family, hopes and dreams.
My most valuable friend wouldn’t like me.
Im just a girl.
And if I think about it they have always been able to let go, never alone and never squeezing yourself into one box to fit into somebody else’s desires. Its pathetic, no?
”Let them go” they say.
Its always that saying. But how am I suppose to let them go like that?
How am I suppose to be able to survive in a box because im just a GIRL.
Everybody tells me im too kind and that im gonna eventually get hurt,
kindness is just a facade, oh gee why need kindness when I’m seen as nothing more but a girl!?
they dont realise im already getting hurt, not by a person but by these standards,
im stuck in a mold half my body is falling out of. I want to be me, but im just a girl.
I always knew that. Maybe I was destined for this fate in a world controlled by men.
The internet really saved me. Maybe its an addiction at least its keeping me alive and sane unlike my parents,
but nobody cares about that because all they see is a lazy child.
”Chilldren dont understand emotions!” But thats all I have.
”Chilldren are so emotional!” Cause thats all I HAVE!
But whatever nobody listens anyways even if I repeat things.
because im just a girl.
They always say
”You’ll find somebody right for you!”
but what if IM not right for anybody? What if im never ever ENOUGH?
Cause im not just a girl and if thats what makes me unlovable, to these men that act more like chilldren because they would rather want a child version of a grown woman!
But whats wrong with being a girl and what if thats what makes me happy?
it was never about the gender
never about anything but
opression.
Im happy being a girl.
but never am I gonna punch myself down to JUST a girl, I’m more then that.