Depression
Over the last 6 to 7 months I’ve been suffering with depression. Apathy, hopelessness, meaninglessness. It feels like my mind is a prison. I can barely get through the day without constant rumination, and at the slightest signs of discomfort I slip into darkness. It hasn’t even been like this my whole life either. Prior to this point I was an extremely motivated and ambitious person, I was positive, and actually used Joe Dispenzas techniques to heal some physical problems. All my life I believed that the mind could heal the body and it made me feel elated. But now I’m stuck, I’m not even sure how I became depressed or if it matters, but I would assume just long term stressors that I procrastinated to fix took hold of me. The problem that I often encounter is that I literally cannot think positively. If it try, nothing lands emotionally.
Arguing with these thoughts and feelings is like trying to catch the wind. No matter how much I try to counter my negative thoughts, my brain comes back with a stronger argument and I spiral downward again.
Luckily for me, I’m aware of what I have lost (vitality, love for life) and want it back. I am also aware that the thoughts and feelings I have are not reflection of truth or reality, but rather just outputs of the state. That’s all fine and dandy, but it doesn’t actually change the nature of the situation. Depression makes me feel like this is an impossible task. Typically in the past whatever problems I had, I was motivated to fix them. But the cruel thing about this problem is that it seemingly takes away my ability to fix it.
I’ll be honest, I haven’t been disciplined. With working out or meditating or eating clean. But I still want to change. I don’t believe I have to suffer for a lifetime, and I don’t want my family to see me like this.
And that’s why I’ve come here. This is me standing my ground and looking for some advice. I’m already familiar with CBT and things of that nature but therapists just seem to suggest this is something manageable but not curable. That’s where I disagree. I’ve heard that all before. And frankly I just don’t believe it. The constant push and pull between the part of me that wants to be saved and the parts of me that think it’s impossible are wearing me out.
Is there anyone out there who’s overcome this, and I mean at a deep and serious level that can give me some advice? How do you feel now? What does it look like for depression to pass. And how do I get by day to day without being tortured.
Mainly I’m looking for some hope and confidence that this is fixable.
I am grateful to you if you’ve read this message, and I apologize for the length. I thank you in advance for anything you have to say. Both negative and kind.
Show me the way.
I would also like to add that I will actually begin meditating consistently and will return with updates on how it’s going. Feel free to ask about my progress if you see this post in the future. Or message me directly. My hope is that I can overcome this, and it least be a light in the dark for others who feel this way.