TDLR: broke up with my ex of a year and a half last winter and i dont think i can move on. he was my first everything and so was i, and it feels like im just stalking him on social media now for any “signs”.
i dont even know why i do this, even after months. we both got into separate relationships but i broke up with that guy due to safety/drinking issues. ever since, i cant help but think back on what i had with my ex boyfriend. i thought i was over him at first because i only saw the bad parts of our relationship.
i never realized what we had was actually beautiful, and i never truly saw his good intentions for us both. i struggle with mental health him knowing that, tried his best to help me but i only ended up pushing him further away because of my insecurities. i wish i saw how gentle he was with me, and how understanding he always was. i remember when i fell asleep next to him, he used to open my phone just to leave sweet paragraphs on my notes. even when i got upset or cried, he did nothing but understand and be there for me.
up until april, we stayed following eachother on instagram and then after i posted my prom pictures with my boyfriend (whom i have broken up with) he removed me on instagram and blocked me on tiktok as well. honestly i felt confused because he was still with his girlfriend at that time and i thought we were on good terms.
and then recently, we reached out to eachother because i kept this gigantic plushie he gave me a year back, and i simply decided that i needed more space in my room. (there was no deeper meaning behind why i kept the plushie for so long). we talked for a bit about when i should drop it off, and then i asked what he was going to do with the plushie. he then told me that he was going to regift it to his gf, which i thought was pretty shitty of him to do so i told him to buy her a new one and to not do that. then he told me that he only said that to see my reaction and didnt give me a clear reason on why he did that when i asked.
i miss him so much and it feels like i basically fumbled him so hard. obviously im not going to do anything to pursue him anymore because he deserves to move on with his life as well. it just hurts so much and i feel like i check his socials everyday on different accounts, even his spotify. i know the good thing to do is to move on and try to accept it, and ive tried but its so hard. i cant help but think back on our memories.
even my icloud saved our messages and when he reached out abt the plushie i saw all of our past messages and it makes me feel worse. im genuinely going crazy lmao