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I've wondered a lot
Why nothing ever worked out.
No matter how hard I tried.
I'd look to the night sky and cry
Can it just work?
This one time?!
I'm tied of trials and lessons.
I'm a horrible student I fear.
I never learn. Year after year.
So I repeat the same thing over and over again.
Still with hope that it'll be different
This one time.
In Latin there is a phrase.
Amor fati.
Love of ones fate.
It means to just accept.
And stop asking.
Why me?
Because there is never an answer.
Only what happened.
And what it taught you.
Perhaps everything that didn't work
Brought me here.
Today.
With you.
If I had been born on time and not early
If I had not made it home that one night
If I did die. That one June night
How different everything would be.
I am learning to love my fate.
Stop dwelling in the hate.
That for years I've been testing fate.
Just by living.
Day by day.
I think of everything that brought me here.
To this moment.
It's late. And I'm still awake.
Like always.
But your sleeping soundly,
And I'm listen to the sounds you make.
How I never thought I would be here. Because we can't imagine the future.
As hard as we try.
When I look in the mirror,
I see me. Only older.
But if I look to quickly,
I see my mother.
Only blonder.
Her fate,
Live a life.
And then pass away.
And when I imagine my future,
I can only imagine it like hers.
Because I don't know any different.
The imaginary picture has texture,
Because it's not clearer.
Who will take care of me,
I get asked.
You have no kids and no husband.
Aren't you afraid.
You walked away from the only family you had.
What if your destined to be alone and Forsaken?
But I want to hurry up and learn all the lessons so I can get to heaven
because nothing ever prepared me
For how much I was going to miss you
And since you've been gone, it feels like forever.
And I don't know if I can last that long.
I remembered when I had my amor fati moment.
It wasn't when I laid dying. With the doctors asking
Who can we call?
Do you have family?
I couldn't tell them that my family was furry and the person who I list as my in case of emergency
Didn't want to drive all the way to see me. "Tell the doctors to call me." She said
"When you get out of surgery."
It's fair I guess,
After all she's not a blood relative.
No, the moment came later.
It was quiet and unexpected.
Someone asked about death and regrets.
I didn't hesitate for long before I stated "I don't have any."
With a shrug, "What happened happened, what can I do about it?"
I want to emphasize this,
I'm not ready to die.
But if I closed my eyes and never woke
I think I'd be ok.
I think I might be done here.
I found freedom.
I tasted fear
I encountered challenges
I felt love
What more is there?
My words to you are my legacy.
When you read them
You'll hear my voice
And remember me.