TL;DR: A merchant navy second officer, days away from 27, reflects on a decade of professional success and quiet loneliness — decent savings, world travel, and a fit body on one side; faded friendships, a recent breakup, and a gnawing sense of invisibility on the other. No crisis, no resolution. Just wanted someone to read it.
I will turn 27 in 2 months .
I have been sailing since I turned 18, now a second officer on container ships. I have been socially awkward and an introvert, all my life. I did manage to make some friends when I was in my pre-sea training, but over the years all those friendships, seem to have faded away, we still maintain contact, but its mostly a heads up once in a while.
These 9 years have made me realize are how inherently alone I am and I dont say it in a bad/depressing way. My mother made her disappointment very apparent when I scored mediocre in my +2 exams, she wanted me to do engineering, I was never interested in it. I googled which profession pays the best in India, some blog numbered medical the first one and merchant navy second one and I chose the second one, and here I am.
Growing up, I remember I personally never cared for good marks or topping exams but I used to be relieved when my mom wasn't disappointed or angry at me for scoring low. It wasn't enough when I scored 88% in my SSC exams, the magical number of 90 was missing and that was a problem for her. This might have resulted in my tendency to please my seniors and even taking shit from them in unreasonable circumstances.
I generally tend to avoid conflicts, I have barely fought or talked anyone back in all these years, even when I should have and it bothers me sometimes.
I have visited a lot of countries, seen a lot of places all around the world, albeit not for long durations and not in a way compared to what a vacation is, (you can call them mini solo trips) but still this wasn't something I imagined doing in my twenties.
I earn decent money, dont spend much, save and invest a lot. I have saved up a tidy sum. My parents even though dependent pn me at this point, they have helped me immensely in my financial journey.
I am what you would say "fit", I have decent amount of muscle mass, working on a cut to show my abdominal muscles, trying to completely give up smoking and drinking.I manage to hit the gym three times a week on my good weeks. I am into movies, I play a lot of games, all singleplayers, gaming has helped me through a lot of things through all these years.
Last year my girlfriend broke up with me, I really want to talk to someone about this, the break up,but I dont know whom should I share this with. I guess I have moved on, but sometimes I miss us, mostly I miss myself, I used to be this funny witty, guy when she was with me, funnily enough I was in huge demand, a lot of girls used to approach me on Instagram. She was the only person apart from my parents that I used to talk to, so she knew everything that was going on in my life. After we broke up things changed, I dont feel like the same person anymore, but its okay, comeback hoga soon.
Tried getting into dating recently, it has made me feel extremely undesirable, no one seems to even put efforts into a decent conversation these days, or maybe they dont find me attractive enough to put that effort. Regardless, this doesn't seem to workout.
I have been feeling quite blue recently, its as if no one acknowledges or cares about my existence, my struggles.
So yeah, this is how it has been up until now, There's no point, or moral now that you have reached until the end, but thanks for reading. I feel seen, acknowledged.