Partner of someone with eczema
Hello. I am the girlfriend of someone with eczema, and I would really appreciate any insight from people struggling with it or from partners who have gone through something similar.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She is immensely beautiful to me, inside and out. She’s the first person I’ve ever felt so deeply in love with, but her eczema has taken a serious toll on her physical health, mental health, our relationship, and honestly my mental health too.
At the beginning of our relationship, her eczema was more manageable. I grew up with eczema myself, mostly on my elbows and knees, so I understood a lot of the discomfort and insecurity that comes with it. Back then, she mainly struggled with dyshidrotic eczema on her hands, which she managed with moisturizing and hydrocortisone cream.
But over the past two years, things became significantly worse.
She went through TSW, and it was devastating. Her skin became severely inflamed and weeping, she lost hair, and she felt constantly sick and exhausted. She started wrapping her hands and became increasingly withdrawn. She stopped wanting to go out because she hated being perceived, especially since relatives in our culture tend to be very blunt and constantly ask questions or offer unsolicited advice. Even when people meant well, it made her shut down more because she didn’t want to constantly think or talk about her condition.
During that time, I honestly didn’t know what to do besides support her. Her depression made her distance herself from me, and eventually I became depressed too. I was in nursing school at the time, struggling mentally myself, but whenever she broke down I would drop everything to drive to her and make sure she was okay.
I researched everything I possibly could to help her. She listened to me and tried so many suggestions, but I also worried that I was adding pressure by constantly trying to “fix” things. Sometimes she would get quiet and tell me she was trying her best, and I realized how exhausting it must feel to constantly battle your own body while also feeling responsible for the people who love you.
Eventually she got allergy testing done, avoided potential triggers, and for a while it genuinely felt like a miracle. Her skin improved dramatically and our relationship felt stronger than ever.
But earlier this year, things got bad again.
She started wearing wraps again, stopped wanting to go out, and emotionally closed herself off more. Being in the sun only made her flare-ups worse. I feel terrible admitting this, but sometimes I struggle too. I worry about her scratching at night to the point that it keeps me awake, and the skin flakes can make me itchy and uncomfortable, though I would never want her to feel ashamed about that. Sometimes I gently hold her hands or rub her back in her sleep to stop her from scratching, but she’ll unconsciously pull away and scratch harder. There have honestly been nights where I’ve cried while she slept because I felt so helpless.
I also struggle with feeling like I’m not allowed to have needs because she’s suffering so much more than I am. Sometimes I need support too, but I feel guilty even thinking that way because I know she’s already carrying so much.
And honestly, what I miss most is her when she feels healthy.
I miss how vibrant and carefree she becomes when she’s doing better. I miss the spontaneity we used to have together. Our late-night drives, random outings, hikes, staying out longer than planned, or even just being able to exist together without constantly thinking about her skin.
I miss how warm and playful she is when she isn’t mentally consumed by pain and itching. I miss seeing her confident. I miss seeing her smile without exhaustion behind it.
Intimacy has also become difficult at times, not because I see her differently at all, but because her chronic pain and discomfort understandably affects how connected and present she feels and her libido lowers. I never want her to feel pressured, and I reassure her constantly that she isn’t disappointing me, but I think I’m grieving the ease our relationship used to have before eczema became something that dictated so much of our daily lives.
When she’s healthier, she’s genuinely full of life. Watching that disappear during severe flares is heartbreaking because I know how much of herself she loses along with it.
I’ve encouraged her to seek another dermatologist or a second opinion, but after her experience with steroids and TSW, she’s terrified of going through that again. Her remaining options seem to involve injections or other treatments we don’t fully understand yet, and finances are also a major barrier. She’s tried holistic methods and diet changes, which did seem to help during her recovery, but now the eczema has returned again.
We also worry about the future because she’s working toward becoming a nurse, and between constant handwashing, stress, lack of sleep, and long shifts, we’re scared about how sustainable that career will feel during severe flares.
I love her more than anything. I don’t care about “perfect skin.” I just miss seeing her feel healthy, comfortable, confident, and happy.
I’m sorry for the lengthy read, and thank you if you made it this far. If anyone has advice, perspective, treatment experiences, or even just emotional insight from either side of this situation, I would genuinely appreciate it.