u/Apprehensive-Rip5517

I don’t usually use reddit, or go online at all, i’m bad at messaging friends usually because i “can’t find the time” but really I have a lot of time but I just mentally struggle talking to people sometimes but when I do talk to people I feel good about it. I’m in college, I do psychology, sociology and i did take french A level but i’ve realised I hate french and i’ve decided im not doing it next year and I will be taking an AS level instead. For the past few months i’ve struggled with Anorexia and I hate it because good used to be like the happy thing in my life when i was in a bad relationship and I always enjoyed eating, but i’ve always struggled liking my body and myself and I feel as if I lost myself and now i’m in recovery, getting help, i’m trying to find myself again, my love for food and enjoying life again because right now I feel like i’m watching life go by me wishing I enjoyed my days but they keep passing and i’m struggling with it and time. I didn’t realise I have anxiety but I probably do, I constantly worry, all the time and I try to be perfect like in my A levels that’s why I didn’t want to quit french earlier- I thought I just had to get on with it even if I hate it. I’m expected to get As and Bs when in GCSE I was a pretty mid student expected mostly 5s but most of my grades were 6s and 7s. (I’m not naturally smart, I really have to work hard and revise a lot for what I get). All I have is my boyfriend and an old friend from secondary I never see anymore because she’s got POTS, I really miss her but I need more friends in my life to surround myself with because i’m alone all the time and my best friend is my mum who I got to family based therapy with and I love that it gets us close but I need a bigger circle, I feel i’m missing things from my life and maybe friends is one of those. Also my dads an alcoholic who smokes and doesn’t really understand my ED and he’s divorced from my mum due to his alcoholism and my mum wants to move and so do I but I have to wait until i’ve finished college and my sister has finished GCSES. I also want to exercise more but the gym is expensive and I don’t want to regret getting a membership again- last time i barely went, I just did it for my bf. I work at Morrisons (picking for clic and collect) with my boyfriend, I work once a week for 4 hours tho and Idk if I should pick up more hours in the summer if i’m going to have these issues with time. I’m sorry this is long and kinda a vent, but i’m hoping maybe if anything maybe someone sees this and can understand or idk relate. I may not find any friends on here but it may feel better to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading if anyone does.