When I(28 f) was 15 I had a massive mental breakdown that lead to me trying to commit suicide. This was not my first attempt. My first attempt was at 12. However, the attempt at 15 drew in police notice. I was then removed from my family and placed in a treatment facility for 6 months. I was required to have a full psych evaluation done by the courts and was diagnosed with manic depression, general anxiety disorder, and PTSD.
I do have history of abuse and neglect from my parents. My mom had a mental break down when I was 10 and I was basically used as her personal therapist. She would hit me and scream at me on hard days and I’d consistently get told I was the reason she wanted to die. My dad would hit and scream too. Both of them have said things that have stuck with me for life that I’ve had a hard time letting go of until recently.
With parts of the back story I’d like to now get into what I have questions on. Anytime I’ve been prescribed antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics I always end up going off the deep end into depressive episodes again. Now when I talk to anyone to try to get help they just see the manic depression diagnosis and say I’m bipolar and prescribe me more drugs that always leave me in a psych visit.
When I finally left my parents home at 18 I stopped taking meds and was actually very stable for about 8 years. I didn’t have the negative thoughts, I didn’t want to die constantly, I was keeping up with caring for myself and the responsibilities around me relatively well. I’ve always struggled with keeping focused, I have a hard time completely big projects, I get caught up in new activities that excite me then back to not caring about it again for a while, I have a hard time making new friends, I do struggle a lot with anxiety, I’m consistently told I’m smarter than I put effort into being(which is true. I learn so fast and easily yet can’t focus long enough to finish anything). I’ve always struggled relating to people and I have been a self proclaimed loner because I just like it that way. I have 3 friends that I love dearly but otherwise don’t really care to keep more relationships.
I’m starting to feel like my diagnosis was wrong. My parents talked to the psychologist the courts assigned to me first and they’re well known for lying and exaggerating. The entire time I was in the treatment facility the workers all agreed my behavior was wonderful and I was kind, thoughtful, and listened well. I felt like I could breathe being away from them and I didn’t want to die. Then being back with them I had 3 more attempts before I was able to finally leave. Then I stopped having any issues until I got into a long term relationship where the guy ended up being emotionally manipulated and it sparked my PTSD. I left as soon as I noticed the patterns(about 8 months in) and sought out a therapist again. This is when I was put on more meds for bipolar and immediately began spiraling again. I finally stopped taking my meds a year ago and feel like myself again. No ups and downs emotionally. I’m not bed rotting or hating life(more than the average person in this economy and world).
I reached out to a new psychologist to have a second evaluation done and I’m honestly scared that I’m going to be told bipolar again and recommended meds I know don’t work for me. I just want help to finally feel like I can focus and move forward in life instead of fighting my own procrastination and lack of wanting to do things I just find boring.
Does anyone relate? Anyone with bipolar want to chime in and have advice or need more info from me to get a better read if I do line up with bipolar? Anyone have any clue what could be wrong? I’ve been leaning towards potential autism/ADHD with research, but I don’t know which is why I want to have a full evaluation done again but that won’t be happening for a month and half.