Hi, I really need some insight because I feel like I’m slowly losing myself trying to understand this situation.
I think both of us lean fearful avoidant (he also has ADHD), and our dynamic has been… confusing, to say the least.
At the start, I was the avoidant one. I pulled back, struggled with closeness, and I think that triggered his anxious side. He started chasing, putting in effort, trying to make things work—until he got burnt out.
Then we flipped.
I became the one chasing. I realized my mistakes, took accountability, apologized sincerely, and genuinely tried to show up better. But at that point, it felt like something in him shifted. He still wanted me, but there was resentment underneath. It felt like he was punishing me in subtle ways—pulling back, being inconsistent, getting defensive.
He even said before that he was “protecting himself” from me.
Eventually, he said he didn’t want to commit and ended things.
We were broken up for almost a month… then he came back and wanted to reconcile.
But now, things feel… off in a different way.
He says he’s no longer “protecting himself” and that he’s more secure now. But honestly, a lot of his current behaviors are the same things I used to do before—distance, inconsistency, emotional withdrawal.
He does make some effort:
- He maintains communication
- Talks about future plans
- Keeps some level of connection
But…
- He doesn’t follow through (especially when it comes to actually meeting up)
- He prioritizes his friends over me
- He gets defensive when I calmly bring up concerns
When I tried to explain that he might be acting out of fear (like being scared of getting hurt or abandoned again), he completely rejected it and got defensive.
What confuses me the most is:
He was the one who came back and wanted to fix things. But now I feel like I’m the only one trying to make it real.
We still talk, sometimes we’re even on calls just existing together in silence, which feels comfortable. I don’t feel anxious anymore—I feel more grounded compared to before.
But at the same time… I’m human. I want to bond. I want to actually spend time together, not just talk about it.
And I don’t know if he actually wants that too—or if he just likes the connection without the responsibility.
I guess my questions are:
- How do you deal with a fearful avoidant who is trying, but in a very inconsistent way?
- Is this something that can actually stabilize, or am I just holding onto potential again?
- At what point do you stop trying to “understand” and accept that this might just not work?
I really want to work this out… but it’s starting to feel like it’s costing me my peace.
Any insights would mean a lot.