Thought of transitioning is running high
I have always felt like I was born in wrong body, since I was like 4 years old. I have played dress up every-time I was home alone. Countless times I was prayed it would be soo much better if I randomly woke up as a girl.
Was in a relationship for last 3 years and during that time this feeling only got more intense. Tried lot of things to distract myself only to fail and feel miserable.
Gave up on got diy HRT in December was on for 90 days and never felt soo live and euphoria. I looked forward to every bit of the changes. But along with this the need to have biological children just sky rocket and the regret of not freezing sperm just flooded in every day. Now I have been off HRT for 6 weeks and T effect is already back.
Before HRT the thoughts of transition was constant everyday or so then when I started that thought completely went away I was really looking forward to dressing the way I always felt. Now that I am off first few weeks I was cruising through, now that T is back up for past 3 weeks I’ve been constantly thinking about transition. Like I’m thinking about it every hr. Been getting hard even though I have zero intimacy thoughts on my mind. It’s been messing with the way I dress the bulge is too big compared when I was on HRT with tucking it wasn’t clockable.
For awhile after stopping HRT I was like I’ll just suppress it and live like a guys but this intense pain I feel about doing that and how I’ll for sure regret it and have a robotic life is unbearable. Being on HRT felt soo natural and right, is there no going back that I have seen how euphoric I can be and live instead of just existing?
Few reasons I wanna just suppress the urge to transition is current political climate, some fear of loosing family and people I’ve known, and I’m still on a visa, it’s in renewal process and I’m planning to get it stamped back home. I feel I start now and during interviews process it might raise some flags. I can boy-mode during then but I feel long hair might be a giveaway. Or I can just not do that until current situation gets better, and just vacation within the states during that time (things are soo fucking expensive lately)
Also ended the relationship I was in and didn’t even feel down or sad about it felt kinda relived. Now when I look at any couple/relationship reels I want to feel the female side of it and relate to it a lot.