This is my first post here. I’ve read some really uplifting stories, but I just can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never get past this.
At the end of 2023, I started dating my current boyfriend, and that’s how I found out I have vaginismus. It wasn’t because of pain or anything—it was simply because nothing would go in. I went to the doctor, and they told me that my opening was indeed smaller and that I should use dilators or get Botox to help.
Well, it’s been almost 3 years, and I’ve been on and off with the dilators. The size closest to the “real thing” is the one I almost never manage to insert, because I feel a lot of burning, mainly, and the lubrication seems to disappear, and all of that hurts even more.
There was only one time I managed to insert the dilator closest to the “real thing” (I’ll call it the target dilator) and felt no pain, and it was absolutely wonderful for me. I felt so good because I was finally closer to being normal. But things only got worse in a way.
Since that day, even with the smallest dilators, I have to push much harder than before to get them in. I can’t move forward anymore or go back to using the target dilator because I need so much more force to insert all the ones before it. I just feel awful, and I’ve been dealing with this for so many years that I feel worse and worse.
I do some pelvic relaxation exercises, but it seems like nothing works. Every day I feel more and more demotivated.
I do some pelvic floor exercises, but nothing seems to work. Every day I feel more and more discouraged. And I don’t have any anxiety issues—not even with my boyfriend—and I haven’t experienced any trauma. I was just born this way, and I can’t seem to get past it.
I just wrote this to get it off my chest, because I can't really talk to many people about this and I feel so lost and sad. I just wanted to be normal...