u/Any-Association-6660

Ever accidentally start an obsession? I have! I’ve been watching vertical dramas since early last year, and one of my favorite things are terrible English captions. Like, you know in your soul they’re bonkers bad. This is the one that kickstarted an insane folder of well over 200 wrong, bad, hilarious translation fails. It’s not my favorite one, but it holds a special place in my heart.

Share your favorite translation fails! We love to see them!

After the Good Girl Leaves, Why Did the Capital Playboy Turn Red-Eyed?
《乖乖女退场，京圈浪子怎么眼红了》
Guāiguāinǚ Tuìchǎng, Jīngquān Làngzǐ Zěnme Yǎnhóngle
Starring: Hou Xingyue 侯星玥 & Zhao Zhendong 赵振栋
Release Time: 12:08 AM
Plot
Ling Jue is wild and unruly by nature, while Qin Shuyi is quiet, obedient, and always follows the rules.
During one argument, Ling Jue casually says he’s “tired” of the relationship and asks to break up. Everyone assumes Qin Shuyi will beg him to stay.
Instead, she calmly accepts it and leaves without hesitation.
When they meet again, she is already discussing marriage and her future with another man. Only then does Ling Jue realize that the girl who once centered her world around him has completely erased him from her future.
Later, with red eyes and visible regret, he finally breaks down:
“Qin Shuyi… so you really did have a heart.”
“Qin Shuyi, look back at me. I lost.”
“Please.”

Available for streaming on Hongguo

Welcome back to “Say What?” where we feature caption chaos in all it’s hilarious glory. This week, we’re talking medical maladies. Sometimes, the caption goblins go haywire and suddenly simple contract discussions or family fights sound like WebMD lost all of its marbles. Here are some of my all-time favorites!

1. Erectile dysfunction during special periods is extra sad, y’all.

2. Honestly, next time I fall on my butt, I’m quoting this caption.

3. I like how nonchalant this sounds, like a polite inquiry about the coronavirus’ health. (This is a bad name translation, btw)

4. I hate when the evil spirits blind me temporarily. Commit or go home, guys.

5. Nothing says ancient history like a novel virus outbreak from 2020 CE.

6. I feel like that’s true. It’s still around in the year of our Lord 2026.

7. The logistics of this seem quite challenging. Maybe ask for a medivac instead?

8. 8 years is a long time. Might be time to ask your doctor if Viagra is right for you, Xu Ran.

9. Are we, though? I mean, probably *some* of us are, but all?

10. That sounds like grounds for a medical malpractice suit, I’m just sayin’…

11. That sounds either itchy or painful. Maybe ask for a toy next time, kid!

12. I don’t think a pregnancy test will tell you that, sir…

13. Sounds painful and dangerous. Likely to end up on a weird medical subreddit, that’s for sure!

14. Not an upside down butt! Does that require surgical intervention? HOW DO YOUR PANTS STAY ON??

15. As opposed to partial cerebral palsy?

16. I’ll stay reckless then! No rheumatism for me, thanks!

17. Maybe because you have the wrong equipment? Just a stab in the dark…

18. Worst baby name ever.

19. Me, too, Buddy.

Join us next week when we get spiritual and share some bonkers theological mistranslations!

Secretary Su, Don’t Do It Again
《苏秘书，下不为例》 (Sū Mìshū, Xià Bù Wéi Lì)
Starring: Li Hao 李豪 & Deng Lingshu 邓灵枢
Release Time: 00:06
Synopsis:
Burned out from work, top secretary Su quits after a drunken night with her boss Zhou Jibai—only to be convinced to stay with a bonus. She decides to “lie flat” and stop caring, turning the workplace dynamic on its head. But her cold boss ends up falling first in their perfectly matched battle of wills.

The BTS of this one on XHS looks like it will be a funny, cute one!

“The Money-Making Female Side Character and Her Personal Surveillance” 《搞钱女配和她的贴身监控》(Gǎo Qián Nǚpèi Hé Tā de Tiēshēn Jiānkòng)

Starring: Zhang Yiqiao (张贻乔) & Yuan Keqian (袁可谦) Release Time: 10:00

Synopsis: Song Ci, a supporting female character in a manga—originally written as the antagonist to the heroine Jiang Luowan—suddenly awakens and gains self-awareness. Furious about the harm inflicted on her by the male lead, Liang Shaoqing, she decides she will no longer fall in love with him and instead chooses to live for herself.

Faced with her troubled family background and the dramatic twists imposed by the author, she resolves to break free from the chaos. But just as her plan to escape through wealth is about to succeed, everything spirals out of control: Song Ci discovers she is pregnant.

Worse still, Liang Shaoqing has also “awakened.” His entire attitude has changed—he now claims that in this life, she is the only one he loves.

I Have a Treasure-Hunting Mouse Bringing Me Worldly Treasures (Original: 《我有一只寻宝鼠，带我狂揽世间宝贝》) Lead Actors: Qu Xiaoxiao & Zhang Ce. Release Time: 10:00 AM

Synopsis: Lin Wanwan, who returns to her hometown after losing her job, saves a talking hamster named "Jinzi" (Goldie) in an old house. The hamster claims to be a "treasure hunter." Her life is turned upside down as she uses the hamster’s supernatural senses to find antiques in old houses and antique streets. She gains a "golden eye" for spotting fakes and rises from an unknown commoner to a legendary figure in the world of antique appraisal.

《烬婚有孕》 (Pregnant After the Embers of Marriage)

On the Poster: “Burning Marriage”

Starring: Mai Tong & He Lianfei Release Time: 12:10 AM Synopsis: After her marriage, Shen Qingwei is shocked to find she has become a "surrogacy tool" for her husband and his mistress. Even more ironically, due to a medical accident, the biological father of the child in her womb is actually Ji Juechuan, the wealthiest man in Yuncheng. To save herself and protect her child, she makes a deal with the cold Ji Juechuan, but fakes her own death to escape his "keep the child, lose the mother" plot and her ex-husband's persecution. Five years later, she returns with her daughter as the genius painter "W". When her daughter’s true parentage and her serious illness are revealed, the once-cold Ji Juechuan embarks on a difficult journey to win his wife back, eventually regaining his lost love and family through atonement.

Welcome to Say What?, a new weekly column chronicling the best of bad translations!

This week, we’re talking names. Sometimes, bad caption names are hyper-literal transliterations, sometimes, they’re random English names pulled from the ether, and sometimes, they’re absolutely made up by monkeys with typewriters. Here are my top twenty favorites.

Aunt Jesus—someone, somewhere is absolutely having a theological crisis about this idea right now. ✝️

Peppa Pig—Good ol’ Peppa is a frequent flyer in the name game. She shows up a lot, especially in dramas with the surname Pei. 🐷

Slowpoke—I’ll get around to saying something funny about this name eventually. 🤣

Viagra—It must be hard to be called Viagra. 💊

Star Horse—Transliteration or My Little Pony? Your guess is as good as mine. 🦄

Toto—There’s truly no place like home.🐶

Petit Bourgeoisie—Ah yes, nothing evokes the CCCP like French capitalism! 🥖

Cool Detective—Which cool detective? I think it’s the one from CSI: Miami with the sunglasses. 🕵️‍♂️

Thor—Random Norse god shout-out! ⚡️

Mr. Sunglasses—He sounds like either A. an actual cool guy or B. the most uncool person in existence. There are no in-betweens. 😎

Donkey Boy—Is this a term of endearment or an insult? The world may never know…🫏

Retro Sniper: Definitely the hero of a first-person shooter game, right? 🔫

Princess Spirit Vulture—She sounds like she has mystical powers like a sorceress from Eternia. I want to meet her.🪶

SpaceX—Also know as Space Commander, Holy Spirit, and Spacecraft. All in the same drama. The captions were having seizures that day, I think.🚀

King of Beans—I don’t think I’d want to be friends with King of Beans. He sounds gassy. 🤢

Eyeball Star—My all-time favorite; Eyeball Star sounds like a cyberpunk anime. I’d watch it. 👁️

Urine—I don’t even know what to say here. The tragic pose and then, “Urine”? I laughed and laughed. 💦

Old Slut—Listen, don’t judge someone for being experienced, ok? 👵

Tim—Yes, that historical Chinese man, Tim. Totally tracks. 😅

Minecraft—Ever go to a wedding and have it be crashed by Minecraft? Yeah, me neither. 🟩

Stay tuned for next week where we discuss unlikely medical ailments! See you then!