my baby is gonna be 12 weeks in a few days and idk what happened this week but EP suddenly feels way heavier mentally than it did before.
like at the start I was exhausted obviously but I think I was too busy surviving to really think about it. Now things are technically “better” and somehow I feel worse? idk if that even makes sense.
I feel like my whole life is measured in 3 hour chunks now. I can’t relax properly because there’s always another pump coming. Even when I’m sitting down watching tv or trying to sleep my brain is already counting backwards like okay if I fall asleep RIGHT now I can maybe get an hour and a half before I need to wake up again.
and I swear people who don’t pump really do not understand how mentally draining it is. My husband tries but he’ll say stuff like “just pump after we get back” or “missing one session won’t matter” meanwhile I’m already stressing about supply before we’ve even left the house.
This morning I spilled milk all over the kitchen counter because I forgot to screw the bottle on properly after pumping at like 5am half asleep and I literally just stood there staring at it. Then I started crying. Not cute crying either like actual angry exhausted crying over milk running into the cracks of the counter lol.
And the thing is it wasn’t even that much milk. But it felt like wasted sleep. Wasted time. Wasted effort. I don’t even know how to explain it.
I’m also getting weirdly bitter lately and I hate that. Like when people talk about how “special” feeding time is with their baby I honestly feel jealous because most of my feeding experience is either attached to a machine or washing pump parts for the 400th time while my food gets cold in the microwave.
I know formula exists and I’m not against it at all so please don’t think this is formula shaming. I think I’m just mourning the experience I thought I would have.
Does this part pass eventually? Or do you just kind of get used to feeling like a dairy cow with no free time because right now I genuinely can’t tell anymore.