Hello all, I am just looking for advice because I have spun this issue around in my head for years now trying to figure out what to do. I have a bf who is almost perfect. He is considerate, thoughtful, sweet, romantic, and just fun to be around. He's my best friend and I enjoy being around him. He gets me in a way no one ever has before. However, we have been dating for 2 years now and I have never felt like I was attractive in his eyes. We dated long distance for almost two years and now we are 2 months into living together. He always said it was because we had to text a lot and we only got to see each other on the weekends, when we were long distance, but 2 months into being together every single night and I'm not seeing any change. I know that it is still early and we are getting settled into the house and a routine and life in general, and I wasn't expecting him to just change over night.
I've never had a partner that struggled to show me lust or attraction or anything like that. I also don't struggle with self confidence as much as I know a lot of people do. It took me years and years to work on but when I look in the mirror (most of the time) I don't see flaws, I just see the beautiful body I was given and I believe it's one of my goals in life to accept it and love it for all that it is. Which I only say to say this isn't coming from a place of insecurity. But you can believe you are attractive without thinking everyone thinks you are attractive to them. And I'm not full of myself enough to think every guy just naturally finds me attractive because I personally like the way I look. All that being said, I have communicated this, pretty much from the beginning. I have told him how I feel and even things that would help make me feel attractive. He says he's just shy and nervous and doesn't know how to express himself in that way, which I completely understand because I've struggled in the past before too. But 2 years in and that excuse is getting concerning because what if it never changes? He is more gentle than any guy I've ever been with, and that could be playing a part in it. But he doesn't look at me or touch me with desire or lust. Love and care, for sure, but he never touches parts of me or runs his hands over me. The only time he shows me lust is when I do it first, if I kiss him passionately, he kisses back passionately, etc.
I like to have special spicy nights, more than just holidays or anniversaries. Any chance I get I like to spice things up, try things and I love to wear lingerie, but I have slowly stopped doing any of that because he would literally walk in the room and see me in a sexy outfit and act like nothing was different. He might comment and say I look good but thats it, no desire or anything. And so I'm sitting there feeling ridiculous because I put so much effort into trying to get him to have a reaction or desire or lust even.
Again, I have communicated all of this and he says give him time, but at the same time he says he just has a lower libido or hes tired after work, etc (we are in our early 30s). I totally understand that as well, I'm not asking for constant attention and affection etc. He actually is extremely touchy. Always wanting to touch and literally be as close as we can. He stops me all throughout the day no matter what we are doing to hug and hold me and give me a sweet kiss. If he sits down he wants to be right next to me. He always wants to do everything together like cook and play games, he won't even nap after work when I offer because he wants to spend the time with me. He is very honest and open and loving, I feel all of that, all the time which I know makes me a very lucky woman.
Is it selfish of me to let this one thing (the lack of sexual desire from him) get in the way of a wonderful relationship? Half of me feels like it's childish and immature, but I also can't imagine going the rest of my life not feeling attractive. Especially since my sex life has always been a big part of me and something I have always put effort in to.
And just to add, I'm a demisexual that can only be attracted to one person, so in my mind he is the only man in the world. I don't go out and try to attract other people or look for attention anywhere else, I don't even post on social media. No other man or person in general that tells me I'm beautiful or attractive could ever mean as much as if he would. I think that's why this hits harder because he is the only one that I want to attract in the world and I can't seem to figure out how or if I even can. Any thoughtful advice would help at this point.