u/Anxious-Sand4881

Before u Read -> the pics r of what i wrote after psychosis was halfway over so read it w caution , im Not Officially diagnosed with anything , but Its Confirmed that ive had psychosis when i Used to be in therapy . Trigger warning for Suicide , Self harm , psychosis , religion , queerphobia ( im 19nb ) . I think this All Started back in 2022? when i first started experiencing weird stuff . I have a madeup religion for my fictional story & as a coping mechanism i used to partake in it & slowly started believing it was real . ive struggled with religion since i was a kid . I was afraid of hell from a young age & when i realised i was queer i became suicidal cos i was SO Scared of ending up in hell i didnt see point in living anymore . When i got outed as a lesbian in 2020 i became atheist for a bit since i couldnt deal w the fact that mum told me i was going to hell , i also started sh in 2020 cos of it . ( in 2021 i realised i was trans which is also relevant later on ) At first i could just feel the presence of the beings from my religion & it was comforting . Then the "satans" of my religion started "telling me" ( i didnt hallucinate but i "felt" their "hints" . we could "trade" ( as in if i harmed myself id be greatly rewarded ) . It started Off Small Id just trade superficial self harm for a bit Of luck . Then it got serious . In like 2022? September when i started reading georgian orthodox christian hagiography ig it set off sth in my brain cos i was CONVINCED if i socially distanced myself from everyone , and suffered most i would be rewarded , but that wasnt all . I had to kill myself if i wanted to achieve greatness ( my dream transition body & everyone loving me & worshipping me ) . This didnt stop & throught the years ive had a few attempts to get to my goal . It was a suicide contract i wasnt allowed to run from as i had sworn i would eventually kill myself . After i failed my last suicide 3+ Months back everything went downhill as ive admitted to myself i was too much of a coward to attempt again atp . I didnt think much of it either but eventually it caught up . I dont wanna go into details as this is getting LONG so ill just talk about yesterdays experience now . Yesterday was HORRIBLE the psychosis only lasted like 20+mins but i think its the worst ive ever had . I started feeling off , my environment suddenly seemed dangerous , there were presences all around , the colors of my house looked off ( my visions still feels off today ) & at first it was fine whatever i am used to feeling "their" presence . I was waiting for them to "communicate" to me & give me a replacement task instead of killing myself but it didnt happen . Everything suddenly became dangerous , my dog was staring at me weird , i started getting involuntary movements ( i also had this since like 2022 alongside psychosomatic pain ) . I didnt feel save to be anywhere & then it happened . I could almost see / hear them . They were terrifying . I started having this feeling of being burnt alive , like i was being tortured , they were also trying to come inside of my body . I kept screaming . My mum thought i was acting inappropriate so she hit me ( even tho she knows i have psychosis ) . I knew it was all fake . I could tell but its like i was split into 2 ppl . One that truly beliebed i was being tortured for my sins against the "satans & gods" ( not commiting suicide & breaking the contract ) . After a bit the presence kinda calmed down tho , but i wasnt able to sleep unironically until i prayed to the abrahamic God . ( i became rly interested in religious in like autumn 2025 & then started questioning it after i attemptef suicide , i hadnt prayed in months up until now , idk why but praying calmed me down ) . But really the reason im asking this is cos i want to stop psychosis . I want to lead a Normal Life . I alr have a LOT on my plate & i dont wanna continue being tortured . so is there any way to safely "break the contract" & part my ways from my delusions ? I cant go to therapy due to money & my parents not supporting me , im completely dependent on my parents as of now , im already on meds but they dont seem to help . I just want an easy way to snap out of it if it happesn again .