So I've recently found this subreddit. And I think I'm in a rumination phase and would like to seek advise from my fellow people here who are in NC with their ex. If this isn't the right thread to be writing this, please direct me to the right one please!
To be clear, mine was not an ex but a one-sided thing and deciding to walk away after a year plus of pursuing her.
Sharing my story here so that you guys can either learn from my painful lessons (it may or may not apply to you). By no means, it's not an easy thing for me to write this, so please be kind.
Quick Backstory:
So I, A (M 31), have been pursuing B (F 29) for over a year plus now after a brief pursuit of her more than 5 years ago (we don't need to go far back but just a quick backstory). So in a way I was someone who already NC-ed her previously. And maybe at that time when I was reaching out to B, I was lonely and also thought about her again, thinking "What If", "Did I do my best" etc. and decided to reach out to her. At first it was breadcrumb talks, and slowly it became more like okay it was friends and somehow went to idk whether you call it situationship or not. But me being a nice guy and wanted to pursue her, I just kept trying to talk to her and till one day I guess, she was open to talking to me more (At that time, I was thinking it was an achievement) and we had calls more often than what a friend should be. I won't categorise myself in a best friend category.
What I did to show my interest:
- Gifts: It's one of my love language. Often times, I will remember what she likes or something she lacks and will try to get for her the exact thing that she likes or something that I thought she would like base on the things she was facing.
- Time: I was being present or quick to answer whenever she reach out. Honestly, I was there whenever it may or may not matters even if it inconvenience me. Especially, whenever she calls, I would quickly be there to pick up her calls whenever I could.
- Effort: When I can, I would do things to try to help her when she needed help. Or if she like something, I would go out of my way to do things and hopefully makes her happy (this include getting her gifts)
- Thoughtfulness: Checking on her on her bad days and just being present when I can.
Red Flags:
Before I share more, I know for some, you guys might think I'm stupid for not reading the signs. I would like to almost say that too, but I'm just trying to be kind to myself and I did it with honesty, sincerity and true to me. What I can do is to learn from this experience and not to repeat it next time (I'm also seeking therapy to understand myself better)
- Person of Convenience: Soon after, I realised I was being a person of convenience to her. I realised more often, she calls me whenever she was driving from one place to another.
- Physical Meet Up: I used to live away while talking to her and went back to my home area last year. Whenever I tried to meet up, there's always some plans she has and in the end me just accepting it, and let it go. (We only met like maybe once last year?)
- Appreciation: Whenever I give gifts to people I appreciate, it's always meant from my heart and sincerity and I could feel the people who matters really appreciate it. But for her, I couldn't feel it, She would say this makes my week so much better after a stressful week, or I wasn't looking forward to this event, but now receiving this made it look.
- Topics: I actually realised we don't have much of a common topic to talk to except games. She mostly shared her days and I realised I wasn't the person I normally am when talking to her, trying to be this perfect gentleman for her. And while I knew it, but persevered through is that she actually doesn't ask much about my life as well. Or even if she asked, it's a small time to talk about it.
- Conflicted Feelings: I kept questioning myself why am I doing this much for her when she's not my girlfriend yet and I keep questioning myself if she's the one for me when I keep having doubts many times.
What led me to NC and end things:
So this year, I told myself and was clear to myself I wanted to be in a relationship. The thing that broke the camel back was that I tried to meet her this year to have a dinner and perhaps address this feelings of mine and we initially agreed on a date and time, but somehow it got rescheduled 3 times within a week and at that point. I had it and I realised her friends are more important than me.
It was hard to bring it up to her in a text and talk about it in a call, so I decided to start taking a step back and replying very general seeing if she would reach out to see why I was distant. But after 4 days, I think she realised I was taking a step back and replied to return something to me that I lent to her (not meet up but delivery) and at that point I know it was the end (the items was not important to me anymore). 1st March 2026, the day I will remember it ended.
Aftermath:
Honestly it was hard, I couldn't cry. I was in bitter pain, I kept wanting to reach out. I questioned myself, did I do the right thing (whether how I ended or took a step back was right, it's already been done and I did the best I know that I can at that moment). Should I apologise so that we could talk again? I just kept reminded of her on the little daily things. All these thoughts made me feel like I'm ruined and lost everything. I also felt guilty, did I gave up when I thought I could persevere and hope she would change for me, how can others with similar circumstances have a happy ending and not me?
She also didn't reach out to me as well till date. Which made me felt sad during my grieving period. Like am I the only one feeling this way, maybe she move on easily or she doesn't feel for me and doesn't care.
How I process my grief (and am still grieving in my own way):
Note: My own healing might differ from yours. But just sharing again from my side.
- I went to gym (It just so happened I started my gym), and just focus on that daily. It helps to not think about her. But during sauna times, then the thought of her came, but I try not to let it affect me.
- Journaling, to keep my sanity in place. I write my feelings down
- Listening to my go to emo music, I did manage to tear up a little because of it
- I used AI to help me process my thoughts, Why am I feeling this way etc. So that my logical brain don't overthink it. It helped me on those days to go through things. I also used this to help me whenever I have an urged to contact her.
- I met up with friends to talk about it. Some understood, some might not be the right person to talk to but they understood in being present for me when I just asked them. For that I'm thankful
- I'm reading this book called "On Grief and Grieving. Finding the Meaning of Grief Throught the Five Stages of Loss". It helped me understand my feelings better.
How I maintain my NC with her:
My mind thought actually maybe I'm better now, I can talk to her. But I kept asking myself why? Why do I want to talk to her? And how I tried maintaining my NC was remembering all the red flags.
Not only that I kept reminding myself. I don't want to be in the same position again, I am worthy or love and mutual effort, and I don't want to be a last option for someone.
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In 30 days, I could say I was better than before (and how I processed my emotions compared to previous emotional trauma is shorter compared to years). I still went on with my life, less thinking of her but somehow she was always on my mind even though it didn't evoke any emotional response from me. I know I actually haven't moved one when at times I talk about it to some friends.
Recently, I've just touched 60 days of NC with her. I'm feeling lost still. There were quite a few times recently, I thought of sending her breadcrumb message to reconnect with her. And also I recently decided to remove her in my family sharing account on some services. I don't know if it's a big move for others, but for me I just thought it was something I needed to do event hough I wanted to feel "connected" to her.
I would like to ask you guys here for advise. Is this normal to feel this way? This rumination? How long does it take for this to end? I really am a little conflicted in my own feelings now. Some part of me kept asking why do I still think of her, or am I not over her? Some parts of me (less) wished she could reach out but at the same time am I ready to talk to her? All these overthinking thoughts.
I would like to hear your advise please.
Additional note: To be honest, I know I've done my best. So I have no regrets on the things I did for her cause it really was the best I can give to her. If it's not enough, then i don't know what is. But walking away was not easy at all but I also want to share with you guys who also experienced this in one form or another. I'm proud of you, with all your effort and the daily little challenges you go through. You are loved and you deserve a happy ending as well.