Am I really winding myself up or are these symptoms of borderline personality disorder?
Heya. I want to say right away that I'm not asking for a diagnosis, I just wanna hear people's opinions on this matter. Due to many circumstances, I can't do professional diagnostics right now, but I'm solving this problem.
For a long time now (5+ years) I realized that some things set me apart from my friends, but I've only recently started trying to figure this out. I get attached to people too much that I literally can't imagine life without them. A long time ago, I stopped communicating with a close friend, which is why I suffered for a very long time. I pulled away from everyone, stopped making new acquaintances, fearing rejection and loneliness that would happen due to parting with them. I get attached to random people and suffer for them, like I missed my close person.
I need constant proof of My worth from people. If someone looked at or said something that looks bad in my eyes, then immediately there is a feeling of uselessness. My sense of self is based on people's opinions about me and changes several times a day. One look, one word, and I'm ready to either cry or give out love.
I am forced to communicate with one girl, because of which my world has become as unstable as possible. One day everything is fine, and the next she ignores me and looks askance. I can't find a place for myself, literally all my thoughts are that now everyone hates me. After I find out the reason and apologize most often (regardless of whether I'm right or really wrong), my mood immediately rises. I don't have a stable view of everyone. Everyone is either perfect or hates me, which makes me hate them too. This attitude changes several times a day.
It really wears me out (and I'm not just talking about that friend, but about everyone together) that I literally can't live in peace.
sometimes I get a literal rejection and disgust Towards people, that I'm angry And prefer to shut myself off from everyone until it passes. But I can't live without people, I need company, because I'm afraid of loneliness.
I can also add that I find many things meaningless, even though I understand their significance. I don't make the bed, I don't clean, and I only wash my hair when things are bad (and I've already washed the Top Layer of my hair several times, which I can't disguise). It's hard for me to brush my teeth, wash off my makeup, and wash myself completely. Studying has become harder, and walking is a bit difficult too. I can't bring myself to do things that I used to adore, like reading and drawing. Even when I see the point in action, I put it off until someone tells me to do something (only this helps me to somehow deal with myself).
Am I being dramatic, or is it really looks like borderline personality disorder?