Struggling to go to liturgy
Hey everyone, last year and a half has been an emotional rollercoaster. I attended a few times a couple of years ago at a Greek parish and although it was spectacular in contrast to my Baptist upbringing, I always felt a bit outcast. Everyone was very nice and welcoming, I think I was just in my head. I attended a more traditional Russian church for the first time on last years palm Sunday, Pascha, and a few others after that. The first time I went I felt very energetic and inspired to start a new chapter, but after Pascha that feeling flipped completely. Every single week I would tell myself that I'm taking my family to church, and every single Saturday night/ Sunday morning a feeling of stress, dread, despair or all of the above would wash over me and would last until the moment it was too late to attend that week and I would be left feeling like a failure. I would feel stressed that I have to keep kids under control, that I'm bringing my wife who was raised with very little religious practice into an unfamiliar place that she didn't ask to be, that I may do something that is unbecoming or outright wrong that I didn't understand before. I'd have thoughts that maybe I'm being pushed away because maybe my family is right and all of this is wrong, or that it's simply not the "fit". I'd have thoughts about what is going to happen between me and my devout Baptist family members, or how I'm going to explain all of this when I'm such an ignorant newcomer and don't have the answers? I can see the stress manifesting in my wife when it doesn't in me, and that just pushes me down even more because I know I'm not the only one being attacked.
The worst part is that the moment I miss the opportunity, I have this realization slap me across the face that all those thoughts were nothing but the demons. And all I did was fall right into their plan and fail in the face of the Lord. Yet the cycle repeats.
I never had these feelings when I was looking for a new Baptist church for a while. I always just felt like "oh well, try again next week". That makes me recognize that the closer I get to the truth, the harder the demons try. That alone should give me the strength to push past knowing where these thoughts are coming from, but it doesn't.
This week I felt like I was finally ready to tackle the problem head on, pray more, and get back to liturgy. Then I get a text from my grandma randomly that they are giving out bibles at my old church for mother's day and they got one for my newborn son and she wanted me to come or she could get it for me. I told her that I was probably going to my church but would let her know. Today I get a text from my dad telling me to "try to make it to church for your grandma". And like, it's almost driving me mad because I feel like a made the most headway I've made through these cycles of dread and at the last second it feels like the demons are dragging my family into this. It feels they want me to say "it's a sign, I'll go back to my old church". But now I can't just say no to the face of demons, I have to say no to the face of my family. I just feel like going insane week after week and failing just to say "I didn't want to stress out my wife and kids" as if liturgy is some sort of hurdle for us for no reason at all.
I know most of you will probably think this sounds crazy, but I really hope some of you have wisdom for me. I have no one to ask for guidance other than through prayer, and I feel so apart from the Lord at this point. I take so much time to understand the Orthodox church and love every second I use learning about the true church, yet almost every Sunday I skip liturgy for some ridiculous reason or another.