u/Anonymousbird3333

I relapsed, I was 4 days abstinent and binged yesterday and promised to start again tomorrow but then woke up today and started eating compulsively again. I realized my eating is absolutely insane in that there is a certain point I do not even enjoy, crave, or desire what I am eating. I woke up today not wanting to binge, I stayed because there was a chocolate bar in my room from last night and I felt compelled to eat it. I didn’t even want the chocolate, that’s the thing. And then I just binged all day and couldn’t do anything because I felt physically sick all day. It was like being drunk all day long like an alcoholic. I didn’t enjoy or want any of the food, that’s the crazy thing and I’m worried everyone else in program at least craves what they’re eating when they binge.. not me! I truly feel like there is something wrong with me for this, I don’t know if this disease is a product of my OCD (hence the compulsion element) or what. All I know is that I am sick - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually sick. I don’t even know what a plan of eating looks like for me because it is so easily distorted by the orthorexic/perfectionistic side of me. My mind just flip flops.