So I’ve been 100% P&T for a while now, and when I first got out, I honestly thought life was finally going to calm down. I felt relieved. But at the same time, my wife was devastated, and shortly after, she divorced me. We had two kids together, and suddenly everything became daycare costs, school expenses, child support, court dates, and trying to rebuild my life while still being present for my children.
I ended up getting re-married, then taking a well-paying job so I could fight for and secure 50/50 custody of my kids, which I did. But because of my income and VA compensation, my child support also increased. I want to be clear I don’t resent supporting my children. I pay for nearly everything: healthcare, sports, clothes, school expenses, and whatever else they need. They deserve that.
But the reality is, I feel like I work just to stay afloat and pay obligations. I’ve been in and out of mental health treatment for years now, and I’m at a point where I feel completely drained mentally and physically. I thought reaching 100% would finally bring some peace and stability for me and my family, but instead I constantly feel weighed down and trapped by the pressure of everything. If I quit my job, the family courts would look at me like a dead beat dad say SOL too bad. I’m pretty stable for the most part since I keep all the negative stuff to myself but
every day I drag myself into the office wondering how much longer I can keep doing this. Some days I honestly don’t even know how I’m still holding it together. I’m about 70% for MH, 40 here, 30, 10 , there for other conditions. I just wish I didn’t have to work, and I could focus on my life and my family more is that selfish of me? I can seriously barely keep my eyes open most days I’m so drained.
I’m not really sure what I’m even asking for here but is there anyone else that can relate to this? What do you do? Just suck it up and keep pushing? I feel selfish because on the outside things look good but on the inside I’m constantly riddled with the fact that if I don’t keep up everything will fall apart.
*Please note none of this has anything to do with self harm or anything of the like*