Dealing with secondhand grief
Nsfw because the topic of death and loss may be triggering to some 🖤
My partner’s mother passed away a little over a week ago after being in and out of the hospital for an unknown decline in health for a few years. It wasn’t completely unexpected, but it still was shocking and sudden.
I have and do frequently deal with grief (lifelong disabilities/trauma), so i’m not completely blind; but I never dealt with the loss of anyone significant to me so I can’t even imagine my partner‘s pain. It hurts so much knowing how much pain he must be in, and it hurts even more knowing that it‘s worse than the pain I am imagining. He’s only 24 and also highly sensitive, so I know this is going to be especially hard for him.
We’re long distance across the globe so I can’t even be there for him in the ways I do and he likes best (silent physical presence/comfort).
I never even got to meet her. I remember him telling me how I would meet her and how she would want us to have a little wedding ceremony (we wouldn’t want to have a ceremony otherwise), and I had said I was a little scared of her (she had some mental illnesses as well). Now I wish I could have met her just once. Now there is a fundamental part of my partner’s life I will never get to be in. She didn’t even know I existed and never will. Today was her funeral and I couldn’t even get to be there to honor her.
Ever since the day she passed, a heavy fog lay over me, dampening my world. Not in the painful way like a storm (which I have experience with and assume is what my partner must be experiencing), but a lethargic yet oddly calm state that’s just there. Aside from the first day where I couldn’t even move or really do anything, the other days feel almost normal as if I feel fine. Not in the sunny way, the fog is still there, but it’s breathable and light enough to forget its presence.
I know that is only dissociation as I have small moments where I remember what happened and just start crying a little or my heart goes tight with pain, and my mind starts looping, or the fog thickens into a deafening weight again. I haven’t been able to sleep much at all as I think i’m subconsciously scared to go to sleep as my mind is distracting itself with easygoing stimuli. The moment I stop distracting myself, the heaviness returns. I haven’t been able to focus on my usual activities much at all, but it’s not depression because I have had depression many times before and that is way more “actively painful/stormlike” than whatever the hell this is.
I know i‘m not feeling even a fraction of what my partner must be going through, and I feel stupid and guilty for even feeling anything at all as I don’t even deserve to as I technically don’t even know her… I know I shouldn’t be taking things so hard… It just hurts knowing that the one you love is in pain, especially for me as my partner is my soulmate and we both are very sensitive people and I can swear we can subconsciously pick up on each other’s feelings even without being in contact.
I also feel a little guilty because I had prayed for her to get better in the past (we aren’t religious, but I do semi-believe in praying to the universe as it has granted me things before). But I recently had stopped praying for her (just out of mental exhaustion) and now this happens… I know it isn’t my fault, but I still wonder the what if’s and if my partner may be upset if he knew…
I just been trying to support my partner as peacefully and stable as possible. He doesn’t know anything about how i’m feeling, and he won’t.
So far I have been giving him some space as well as periodically sending stable, loving messages every few days (admittedly with ”approval/help” from an AI so I don’t accidentally say the wrong thing as I have a tendency of accidentally being too emotional without realizing).
He doesn’t seem in the space to talk much, but he has briefly responded warmly/thankfully to my messages, so I think he at least appreciates them?
It’s hard not directly knowing exactly how my partner is feeling as he understandably never shares (on his own, It would be inappropriate to ask at this point in time) in fear of burdening me. I know he is in pain, and I don’t expect anything of him to feel anyway, I just selfishly wish I could tangibly know for certain, not to fix him, but just to ease my uncertainty if my mind is over/underplaying things. But that is just an uncertainty I will have to work on accepting.
I just am very unsure of what is/isn’t allowed to be said and how often is too little/much as i’m scared of both overwhelming or ignoring him. I wish I could directly ask him how I can be there for him, but i’m worried it would put too much pressure on him.
Sorry for the messy vent. The main thing I would like to get from this post is both: advice on how I can best support my partner throughout his grief journey, and any personal accounts anyone may have if they have been in a similar situation. Thank you.