Feeling tainted. I’m hurt I’ll never ever be normal again.
I keep finding myself feeling bad about the fact that these are the cards I’ve pulled in life and I’ll be like this forever. I feel like some sort of impure being.
Even if I go into remission and stop having PEM for years on end I’ll know in the back of my head something can go wrong and I’ll always have to be cautious of over doing it and re-awakening the beast. I could wake up feeling normal tomorrow and I’ll continue to feel on edge for the rest of my life. It’s like I’ve lost that carefree do whatever I want, when I want, for however long I want to attitude that comes with not having to worry about such a thing. That’s probably what I miss most: just being able to do what the fuck ever, when the fuck ever. And it’s such a shame because I lost that at the age of 17, right when I was supposed to enter the prime of doing what ever I wanted.
I would have liked to chase my dreams to the fullest: workout super hard, get super fit, go on hikes and runs with my friends and family, make new friends, have a lotta sex, try new hobbies and reading all the books I want to, diving deeper into my interests in acting & public speaking etc etc. Y’know, just literally whatever.
It hurts a lot to accept the fact that through all my biological makeup and gene expression, this is the life I have to live. I’ll forever have to worry about how much I’m doing and that severely limits the goals and dreams I may set for myself, even if I were to go back to normal. I’ll always be worried about it coming back. I feel like a different type of human.
TLDR: Sad that my genes set me up for this life and hurting that I’ll never be normal. I feel like less of a human.