Mondays trip over the rainbow bridge
I have been lurking this page for a bit over two weeks now.
This is my psychiatric service dog Yoshi. He’s 11-would be 12 in Aug. had him from a pup that would fit in my hand. This lil dude has been by my side through a lot. Including many military moves. We are currently at the end of a tour here in Hawaii. A couple weeks ago he had issues going potty. He strained so much that he collapsed and started shaking and crying and I rushed him to the emergency vet.
Fast forward an exam, X-rays and cytology and we learn he has a 7cm anal gland tumor that has also spread to the surrounding lymph nodes.
We are set to move mid May to the mainland and this was going to be his retirement flight as my SD. To leave here you need certain shot to fly and a ten day health certificate which we would have never gotten clearance for after this.
They said that surgery would be tough bc he’s a smaller guy and it’s completely pushed his bladder to a different location. They would have to break a bone to try and reach it and even then they said they wouldn’t get it all and started talking about chemo and radiation but said that the recovery alone from this at this size and his age is not promising and even with chemo etc they said it would only extend his life about six months bc the cancer would come back and it’s super aggressive. (I asked them to be brutally honest with me)
They also said they weren’t comfortable signing a health certificate which for May 12 but are open to monitor the situation and discuss in a few weeks.
We decided that we wanted to spend quality time with him. Not have him suffer a wild surgery that wouldn’t even adding meaningful time to his life.
So they gave us meds and for about a week he rallied like a champ. Way slower with walks but was eating with an appetite stimulant (always a picky eater even before) playing with us eyes still full of life and sleeping at night. Until he wasn’t.
A few days ago he couldn’t handle half the distance of his already shortened walks without a break.
Woke up a couple nights to potty but then the last night it was every two hours. He stopped eating even his special home cooked chicken, rice and green beans meals I made him.
Today it was like a complete deflated version of my Yoshi dog.
And I have been diligent about tracking his quality of life in various areas and saw it heading down and was hoping for a rebound.
Today I made up my mind that I don’t want him to suffer anymore.
He can’t get comfy he will only eat small bites hand fed to him of deli ham or turkey and his occasional greenie treat. He was just laying on the floor breathing heavy and fast with his eyes open. He did come to cuddle a few times and had a moment where he tossed his favorite toy around but he has been mostly sad and sighing most of the day today.
I really hope I don’t get judged for not getting surgery and doing chemo etc but we don’t want to put ourselves (him and the family) through that. Plus the specifics needed to fly in cabin is almost an impossible task especially now.
I really thought we had a few good years of him left before old age really set in and my world has been flipped upside down so fast.
As I was packing he looked at me like are you leaving bc I did take a short trip a month before to find a house. It breaks my heart that I told him, don’t worry buddy you’re coming with me next time and you’re going to love our new home with no stairs, a backyard and not slippery floors.
Now I feel like I lied to him.
I have never had to make this decision before and I have read that you just know and to be honest idk if I KNOW but what I do know is how unfair everything is. His pain and suffering, and the fact that I will be bringing Yoshi to our new home but it will be his ashes… I feel like I failed him in some way to keep him healthy and safe at the end because all of this is so sudden and my heart is breaking that I scheduled his passing like a dinner reservation or something.
Please tell me that I am making the right choice. He is terminal and I understand that and I knew it wouldn’t be long but it still seems so soon.
If you’re still here with me thanks for reading, I honestly didn’t think I’d post but I guess I just really need to say all this.