I am a first year resident and I genuinely feel like I have reached my breaking point.
This is not only about residency. I think years of stress, emotional exhaustion, bullying during MBBS, constant pressure, fear of judgment, and suppressing my real feelings have finally caught up with me.
I somehow survived MBBS thinking things would improve later, but residency has made everything feel much heavier. The environment feels emotionally suffocating to me. I constantly feel surrounded by stress, frustration, politics, emotional disconnect,Maybe others adapt to it, but I feel like I am mentally collapsing inside it.
Over the last few weeks, I started developing severe anxiety symptoms panic attacks racing heart fearfulness and mostly suffocated ,with my department people.
Recently I finally consulted a psychiatrist because I genuinely don’t feel mentally stable enough to continue functioning normally right now.
The truth is i don’t think i belong in this field anymore. Deep inside, i feel drawn towards more authentic,slower and peace oriented life instead of this constant pressure filled environment,unnecessary competition and selfishness.
At the same time, I feel terrified of quitting due to financial consequences.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder,
Is this really the life we are meant to live?
Constant stress, emotional suppression, anxiety, exhaustion, fear, and pretending everything is okay while slowly breaking inside?
People keep telling me,take meds and continue residency, this phase will pass.
And one of my biggest fears is this what if I keep taking medications, keep suppressing myself, keep adjusting and eventually become like the very people I am afraid of becoming emotionally numb, cold, selfish, disconnected, and functioning like a zombie just to survive the system!!!
I wanted to ask honestly has anyone else here felt this level of disconnect from this field ? Did things improve later or did leaving feel like the right decision?