u/Alwedo256

It’s only been a few days, and it wasn’t even a real relationship or situationship. More of a companion thing. But ouch, right? So now I’m deep in the ritual phase of survival.

Here’s my current lineup:

- a handful of sleeping pills so I actually slumber rather than lay awake calculating how to remove myself from life. Sleep not soo ee side.

• Pizza slices from Savers (next to Cafe Javas lol. cheap pizza fixes life, don’t @ me. Gas store pizza for the win.)
• Binge-watching Frasier like my emotional IQ is stuck in the 90s
• Crawling under three duvets so the weight physically presses the sad out of me
• Loving on myself while crying in every location possible: bike rides, work desk, toilet, you name it
• Letting the feeling completely consume me until it washes away. No fighting. Just feeling like a dramatic main character... And letting it pass.

The funny thing is, a tarot card reader once told me I have to walk alone to succeed. So maybe this is just the universe being annoyingly literal. Maybe. To quote Noah Kahan in Dan, "we're so alone most of the time."

Anyway, what are your post-breakup or post-companionship rituals? Need fresh ideas.

My pizza supply is limited. And I can't keep crying. It's given me a migraine. And it's not yet new moon.

Happy birthday to my brother Mitchel Ian. Imysm

(Rumination ruined my love life, and Dostoevsky called me out)

I'm 30. I've spent years wondering why dating feels like performing surgery on myself while the other person just wants to order another drink and drown in it.

Then I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole and found Notes from Underground.

Meet the Underground Man. A bitter retired civil servant who lives in a basement, hates everyone (especially himself), and whose entire personality can be summed up as: "To be too conscious is an illness."

And I thought, oh no. That's me. That's literally me in a ratty bedroom in my parents house with a phone full of unsent texts and audios.

How does my Underground Mind ruins every potential romance:

1. Paralysis of action. I once spent 45 minutes drafting a "how was your day?" text, then deleted it and watched Netflix instead. A man asked me out. I analyzed his punctuation for hidden meaning. He was being clear. I was being not so sane.

2. Hyper-analysis of feelings. I don't experience attraction. I observe myself experiencing attraction, take detailed mental notes, and then kill the feeling through overexposure to my own commentary. "Fascinating. A flutter. Note the slight blushing. Is this genuine or performative?" Meanwhile he's just trying to tell me about his cat or dog.

3. Spite as a love language. He's nice? Suspicious. He's vulnerable? A trap. So I withdraw, make a weird joke. When he gets confused and leaves, I feel victorious. See? I knew I was unlovable. Science! Rocket scientist for the win.

4. Inverted narcissism. I don't think I'm better than you. I think I'm worse. But guess what? My world still revolves entirely around me and my endless catalog of flaws. It's self-obsession with extra steps and lower self-esteem. I think I'm beneath everyone in the world.

The antidote? I'm trying. Slowly. Painfully. Trying.

1. Send the cringe text. Just send it. No, don't ask A.I.
2. Feel the feeling before you interrogate it. Cry. Laugh. Cry some more.
3. Stop performing vulnerability (that's just manipulation with a sad soundtrack).
4. Ask them a question and actually listen instead of rehearsing your witty response.

The Underground Man chose his toothache over a kiss because the pain was predictable. The risk wasn't. I'm similar but have a v instead of a p.

I'm trying to be brave enough to be bad at love. To send the awkward message. To say "I'm nervous" instead of pretending to be cool. Then again my nervous looks like confident arrogance. So idk.

It's humiliating. It's also the only way out of the basement.

Anyone else feel personally attacked by a dead Russian philosopher? Just me? Cool beans.

I’ve come to find the concept of "longing" a tedious, amateur form of self-torture. (And we all know I love masochism.)

Most people spend their lives weeping for things they do not possess, oblivious to the fact that their desires are merely shackles they have forged for themselves. I do not have because I do not want.

To want is to be vulnerable. It is to hand a blade to the world and show it exactly where to strike. By refusing to desire, I remain unassuming and untouchable. While others are busy decorating the empty voids in their souls with consumerist trinkets and the hollow approval of their peers, I am perfectly content in my own darkness. (Or am I?)

There is a certain cold elegance in lack. It is what Epictetus understood when he spoke of the "Inner Citadel", that the only way to be truly free is to withdraw your stakes from things you cannot control. If I do not crave the sun, I am never disappointed by the clouds. If I do not seek companionship, I am never burdened by the inevitable betrayal of a "friend."

Emptiness is not a hole to be filled; it is a fortress. Some call it "missing out." More cynical ones like myself call it "pest control."

I have systematically pruned every frivolous urge until only the essential remains. I am deprived but I am efficient.

Hope can be a loud, distracting noise, and I prefer the silence.... Although sometimes I can be found at wishing wells and immersed in prayers.

Most people struggle with affirmations because they attempt to change their reality using only words, ignoring the foundational layers that support human behavior.

To truly transform your life, you must build from the bottom up using the Identity Stack.

The Five Layers of the Identity Stack:

1. Physiology: Your nervous system state (fight-or-flight vs. rest-and-digest).
2. State: Your emotional frequency and heart-brain coherence.
3. Identity: Your deep-seated belief of who you are.
4. Language: The actual words you speak.
5. Reality: The results manifested in your life.

Most people try to start at Layer 4, but words are ineffective if the nervous system (Layer 1) is in a state of stress. Your subconscious mind will reject positive self-talk if your body is signaling survival-mode danger.

Okay, so, there is also a 5-Step Daily Protocol

To bridge your inner world with your outer reality, follow this five-minute sequence daily:

1. Reset Your Nervous System: Use extended exhales (inhale through the nose, then exhale longer than the inhale) to switch into a parasympathetic state.

I use DMT breathwork a lot to regulate.

2. Enter Coherence: Focus on your heart area and generate a genuine feeling of gratitude or love. This synchronizes your heart and brain.

3. Speak Your Declaration: Speak one single, powerful statement from your identity (e.g., "I am..."). Do not rush; let each word land.

4. Protect Your State: Use micro-resets throughout the day to interrupt stress and maintain your alignment.

5. Look for Confirmations: Actively scan your environment for evidence of your new identity. This trains your Reticular Activating System (RAS) to filter for your desired results rather than old limitations.

Honestly, I think it is something I've practiced in the back of my mind. But shall give it a try again this month and see what comes of it.

Aligning these layers stops one from forcing change and start allowing your new identity to manifest naturally through your daily actions