How to do when discussion is always drifting on past resentment?
Hi,
I and my wife are struggling for a while now.
Every time we've a discussion, if it is echoing something she experienced in our relationship, the resentment takes all the place in the discussion. She picking up all the events where we argued that are stored in her memory and where "I made her lose her energy" and she just throw everything she has on me.
I started an online relationship program to handle argument better and develop empathy instead of getting far from your partner. I shared some stuff that really resonated with me in what I heard with her yesterday and she took the occasion to go again on the resentment road. I'm avoidant so, my usual move was to shutdown and be in total emotional distress within myself without really saying it. I'm now trying to be more constructive, listening to her grievance without taking too much and acknowledge that she has the right to feel that way because how I reacted was not correct in some of her examples or I didn't consult her enough before doing things.
I can take few minutes of it but it's like a bad memory machines and such discussion goes for 20 minutes each time where I hear only negative stuff about me with sometimes borderline stuff (E.g. "I can't stand your face anymore", "Already at this time - first month of relationship - you were pissing me off" or "you know that time, I didn't come with you because I didn't want to be with me that night"). I'm deeply sorry for how I handled some stuff in our relationship and at the same time I can't change what happened and it becomes more and more difficult to not take it personally. In the end the only feeling I feel out of these discussion is how she's hating me and she can't stand me anymore and this leaves a scar every-time. I'm all numb the next day, the atmosphere is super tense... Note that I'm not retaliating in such situation.
I'll continue my program and see how I can drive better the discussion but does any of you already was in such situation ? And if yes, how did you handle it? Divorce is discussion weekly now but I still love her and I don't want us to throw our family life away (we have also 2 kids)...
Thank you in advance,