1st yr. Invited this morning by the practice manager (non-attorney, professional staff role) on our scheduling app to a 30 min "check in" for tomorrow with myself, the practice manager, and the head of my practice group at my office. Emailed the practice manager to ask whether this is my evaluation (which everyone has around this time of year at my firm), and she said something "no, just a few other things we want to talk over before the new fiscal year". Spoke with a few other first years in my group, and none of them had a similar meeting scheduled.
I've been so anxious today I could hardly work. I (literally) can't afford to lose this job. I have $300k in law school debt (and climbing). My resume is decent, but unremarkable (not quite KJD, but almost. T14 with 3.5-3.6 gpa, roughly median), so it would probably be tough to get a new big law position as a junior in this market. Not to mention that I'm totally unable to network for the life of me, have basically zero useful personal connections, and am the least "diverse" human being ever.
I suspect the perception is that I'm somewhat unintegrated/uninvolved. Which is partly a product of the fact that I'm on the spectrum (not openly, have never told a single person this--I work very hard to mask it and try very hard to be sociable/likeable). I think it's mainly, though, a product of the fact that the assistants who sit right outside my office door are so loud that I have to keep my door closed all day and use earplugs just to get work done. Not to blame others, but it's honestly just an annoying situation that I don't know how to fix.
My hours were slow until March/April, but I billed almost 200 last month, so idk if it has to do with low hrs. I was slightly out of compliance with the timekeeping policy one month, but fixed it the next month. I feel like I get along with people, but I genuinely don't know because I can't relate to people for the life of me. There are definitely some partners/associates who perceive my work positively; I don't feel like I've massively dropped the ball on anything. I'm extremely responsive and good with deadlines.
At the same time, I can't help but feel like this is bad. I could be reading too much into the tenor on the emails from the practice manager, but it just has an ominous/bad tone. It's in person, in the office of the managing partner of a ~100 person group.
So, WWYD? Obviously, go to the meeting and hope for the best, but expect the worst. But beyond that. Do I start applying for public sector jobs to try to do PSLF, if those even still exist?
EDIT:
First, just want to say that I appreciate the many positive, supportive comments! I actually didn't expect it, given the often dreary mood of this sub. But to my surprise, the vast majority of comments on this thread were super constructive and kind, which I genuinely appreciate.
As for the meeting: Was basically fine (in my assessment). I built it up way too much in my head. I was pretty awkward in the meeting, I think, just because of how nervous I was, but I don't think that was catastrophic. And I think (and hope) that I came off as receptive to the feedback and eager to improve. The gist of the meeting was "your hours were really low. please bring them up. make sure you have consistent streams of work. We can't really evaluate you if you don't do work." Basically, all pretty reasonable feedback that makes sense given the business model. Nothing from the meeting felt condemnatory, although I'm sure to a certain degree it was. Felt more like a nudge. No indication that my job is in imminent jeopardy. And May is so far shaping up to be a >200 hr month, so I should be pretty good in terms of hrs for the short term, which hopefully remains the case...
Anyway, the grind continues! Which I'm happy about. Because I kinda like the job, tbh. And I like not being poor 😄.