My brain is so so fragmented from childhood trauma.
Will that ever pass, will I ever be able to be a fully integrated human with a continuous past and a whole picture of my life in my system?
How can I grieve my childhood-
If I know people out there have been through sooo much worse, witnessed a parent’s rape, had violence towards them, got physically beaten daily, got raped, etc. I’m reading the body keeps the score and all the stories there make me feel so humbled, so ashamed to even feel any pain, like
How the hell am I even close to their pain.
Who am I to even feel any pain at all! When people like that exist??
(Some context to my childhood, it’s pretty bad, but yet I don’t feel like it compares to those horrible stories people go through- painful emotional neglectful childhood a lot of childhood trauma, severe emotional neglect from myself and my parents, emotional abusive parent, suicidal, with bipolar and borderline personality disorder who was controlling and terrifying to me, yet I was codependent and enmeshed with her, trying to be the saver in the family dynamic, to save her from her pain. She was always super strong and independent though, taking a ton of space, that’s why I never fully developed a self of my own. then a big shift, my mom’s mental breakdown when I was a teen, her forgetting my name, crying all day in my bed, attempted to cut herself and fully breaking apart. I remember brushing her hair one night and putting her to bed after she begged not to shower. It was humiliating to watch, how is this the mother I once feared?
my whole life flipped, my parents got divorced and I moved in with my other parent, him slowly stabilizing me and my siblings. while all this happened I was mainly half dissociated my whole life, so afraid of people, never let anyone in.)
I’m on a inner journey of healing through a lot of childhood trauma, severe emotional neglect, emotional abusive parent with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, me being codependent and a meshed with her, trying to be the saver in the family dynamic, never fully developing a self of my own. then a big shift of her mental breakdown when I was a teen, having my whole life flipped moving in with my other parent, him slowly stabilizing me. while all this happened I was mainly half dissociated my whole life, but then during the breakdown of my mom, I experienced what I can only call spiritual awakening , slowly connecting to me, my self and building it.
it‘s been 3 years of intense healing and sitting with my parts, my past, my body, therapy and a lot of compassion.
but I can‘t help but feel shame, I’m 21, and by normal society’s standards I feel like I’m a failure. yes I’m facing my self, facing my inner demons and layers of deep rooted trauma so I can be a healthy adult and healthy mother. but I still feel shame that I’m not spending that time learning something or getting a fancy degree, just to prove I’m capable.
i don’t want to feel like a looser, low life, who can’t get a job. but that’s my journey right now, and I know if I push myself to seem more successful and put together- I could definitely succeed, but at what cost? if I don’t face my things now, they will eventually probably come up. so I know this work is so necessary, for me to feel alive, be fully present and not dissociated from life, for me to have real empathy and be able to see and connect with people truly.
but I need some more support on this journey, has anyone been through something similar and how did you get through the shame? what was you journey like? how did you push through what you know is right, without feeling a bit like maybe you’re making excuses, like everyone else might say…? please do share.