Exam tomorrow morning. Working the whole weekend. Exams next week. Finals week is just around the corner. Car insurance due. Summer classes starting.
I miss crying. I feel like my medication makes it hard to cry, if I do cry it’s very short and unsatisfying
My attachment issues have lingered through it all but I feel like I haven’t had a true fp in a while. I feel like I just haven’t had a close friend in a while. But oh wow. I’m constantly feeling like she doesn’t like me anymore if she doesn’t reply for a while. Stalking her socials when she doesn’t reply to try to gauge if she’s genuinely ignoring me or if she is just busy. The insatiable urge to double text to keep the conversation going because I can’t stand when the convos run dry. When I fear that she doesn’t like me (not replying fast enough for my brains liking) I genuinely get suicidal and want to go back to the mental hospital. This is honestly embarrassing.
It’s also so weird because of how long it’s been since I’ve had this. Like I feel this way to a certain degree with everyone so it’s not like they’re ‘new’ feelings, but the way the dial is up with her is something different, I can tell the difference. The desperate urge to prove my worth is far stronger with a fp than anyone else. I think with others it’s easier for me to split due to these feelings and just shut down but with a fp, I still split a lot but the desperation and anxious attachment is so loud. I feel like I haven’t had a fp in years because I’ve just been so lonely that I haven’t had many friends at all so the opportunity hardly even presents itself. So it’s just wild to see how these feelings come rushing back after all this time. They never went away, they were only hidden. My therapist is great and all but there are certain aspects to this that I just really struggle to open up to him about.